Lesson: day game, New York
I thought I’d post a FR of some fieldwork I did with Niels last month, that really helped my game (outer and inner.) For anyone thinking of doing some personal coaching to help with sticking points, this should be some food for thought.My sticking point: I had been getting bad responses (making girls uncomfortable, or sometimes even scared) when I approached girls with a direct, sincere compliment opener. I felt that the problem was probably in my body language or tonality, so I needed in-person coaching to fix it.
Niels and I exchanged a couple emails where I explained the problem and what I hoped to accomplish, and we set up appointments to meet for two 2-hour sessions (Saturday and Sunday at Union Square in NYC).
First day:
We found a quiet spot a block away to practice. I sat down and played the “girl” role, and he demonstrated an approach, and then we switched and I practiced approaching him. Issues we covered:
• How to walk on the approach
• How far away to stand when you stop walking and begin speaking
• Pre-opener: The difference between getting her attention with “hi” or “excuse me” (I have used both; “hi” comes across warmer.)
• Speaking slowly and with a number of pauses * - a key point I had missed before.
• Body language – how to stand. I had to work on not gesturing with my hands, which is something I have a natural tendency to do.
• Parental tone * – If I’m nervous, my tone sometimes goes up at the end of the sentence, like, “You are cute?” instead of “You are cute.” [tone goes down.] When I don’t use parental tone, I sound unsure of myself or unsure of the compliment, and I generally get a bad response.
• Being genuine, not robotic (not having my words sound canned.)
• Tonality (speaking from diaphragm) – Not a quick fix, but something to work on and improve over time.
I did a lot of practice approaches with Niels, with him telling me to modify this or that and try it again. Once I was doing good, we went to the square to look for women to approach. (My focus for our session was just to get the approach down, not to go any further with a conversation.)
1st approach: Blonde sitting on the steps of Union Square. I told her, “I had to come over and tell you, you are incredibly cute.” She said thank you, I wished her a good day, and then I moved on.
Once I had walked out of where she could see, Niels said, “Stop here for I minute. I’m going to go back and debrief her.” [Apparently, he debriefs girls with something along the lines of, “I know this is kind of awkward, but the guy who just approached you. . .I’m his dating coach. I wanted to ask you how he did, so I can help him do better with women.”]
He came back with feedback: She said I didn’t make her uncomfortable or come across as creepy. But she said I needed to do it with more confidence.
Awesome! I can do that! In the first approach, I was a little beta (non-alpha) because I was afraid of scaring her. But I can add confidence to the approach.
2nd approach: Girl sitting on park bench. Niels pointed her out for me, and I wasn’t head-over-heels for her but I approached anyway. I think I didn’t make a good first impression because I was approaching to do an approach, rather than approaching because she was “incredibly cute.” Girls can sense sincerity. Niels’ debriefing confirmed that.
3rd approach: I just saw her and walked over to her, without pointing her out to Niels. A brunette wearing sunglasses, standing against a railing. “Oh my God, thank you! You just made my day!” she said. Huge smile. I could have continued the interaction, if that was my focus that day. I wished her a good day and walked off. I told Niels, “No matter what she says, that felt awesome!” When he came back from debriefing her, he said I nailed it. I didn’t come off as creepy or make her uncomfortable. I was confident, and attractive. And I made her day.
4th and onward (I did about 10 approaches total that day): I did two approaches in the Barnes and Noble where I got an awesome, lit-up-like-a-Christmas-tree, you-made-my-day reaction, where Niels said, “Definitely no need to debrief her,” because he saw her reaction. He only did one more debrief; by this point I was doing a lot of approaches well, and when I got a poor response I could say, “I know how I messed up; it was _________ in my body language or tonality.”
There were a few girls we spotted as they were making a purchase and leaving the store, so I got my first practice with “daylight hot pursuit.” Multiple times, I left the store and went across the street and through a crowd to tap a girl’s arm and compliment her. This made me nervous – we hadn’t practiced “daylight hot pursuit” yet. As I was following, I would repeatedly look over my shoulder and mouth swear words at Niels – he was pushing my comfort zones, and wouldn’t let me chicken out. And the first girl I approached like this, when I complimented her, she lifted her sunglasses off her eyes – a huge Indicator Of Interest. Her eyes were gorgeous – totally striking to see them, sparkling and bright blue, as she lifted off her dark shades. (She was the last girl Niels debriefed. She said I nailed the approach. And when he told her we followed her from the second floor of the bookstore a block away, she said that was awesome.)
Takeaways:
The power of sincerity. The girls I thought were most attractive to me (and the ones I picked out, not the ones Niels pointed out to me), had the most powerful, positive reactions. They could tell I was for real. That is a huge inner game realization – the girls I dig the most, who I feel most nervous about, will appreciate it the most, and probably respond with the most attraction.
2nd day:
For the second day, we worked on advanced tactics – direct with daylight hot pursuit (which I had started the previous day), and group sets. I did a lot of practice on the sidewalk with Niels playing the “girl role,” to make sure I got the body language and motions down correctly for daylight hot pursuit. You have to do it right to get her attention and stop her, but not scare her. After I got the movements right practicing with Niels, it was time to look for some moving girls. (And for a group set, a girl sitting in Starbucks with her mom and grandma.)
My highlight of the 2nd day:
A brunette walked past us. I started to follow, and then hesitated. Niels asked why. “I’m not sure if ‘incredibly cute,’ fits her,” I said. I didn’t want to get canned / robotic in my delivery, and have the compliment become generic.
“What is it that caught your attention?” he asked.
“She has a nice ass,” I said, “and she has a bag from the bookstore.”
“Tell her you thought she was cute, and she had a bag from the bookstore, and you had to come meet her,” he said. I balked, like that didn’t sound like a good opening line. “That’s genuine,” he said. “Do it.”
So I dodged traffic like a game of Frogger (crossing the street just as the light was turning) to follow her. I tapped her on the elbow to get her attention and stop her, and dropped back to give her plenty of space. I startled her at first, but I called it out and said, “I didn’t mean to startle you.” I can’t even recall the exact words of my opener, except that it was totally unrehearsed, and genuine. And a little unsmooth and dorky. . .but in a genuine, endearing way (think Lloyd Dobler in “Say Anything.”) And in spite of my opener being a little dorky, it stopped her, and we talked for a couple minutes. Once she realized that I was being genuine and she wasn’t on an episode of “Punk’d” with hidden cameras behind us, she relaxed and smiled very warmly. It was a pleasant conversation, although we didn’t have anything in common that would have justified continuing the conversation further or setting up a Day 2. When we parted she thanked me for making her day. And I walked away feeling awesome, because I had opened by being totally genuine and myself (and even a little dorky), and it was okay. And in fact, if we had had anything in common, I would have swept her off her feet, even if I wasn’t quite smooth.
*****
Now (one month later), going direct is my favorite type of approach. I don’t use it for every girl, just for the ones who really make me say “wow” (because they will feel the power of my sincerity.) I feel that I have the body language down. I usually get a good response; when I don’t, I can either identify what I did wrong (usually body language-related), or I can say, “I had all the elements right, so it must just be that this girl wasn’t receptive for whatever reason,” and I don’t take it as a hit to my inner game or self-esteem.
The ability to go direct is huge for inner game. 1) It taught me that I can be attractive just by being myself, without lots of tricks and “game,” 2) Direct day-game approaches are a ballsy thing to do. Every approach contributes to my image of myself as a ballsy guy, 3) Every approach contributes to my image of myself as a man who loves women, enough to approach women on the sidewalk and make them smile.
On behalf of the girls who have told me, “You made my day,” thanks, Niels!