Why do women respond better to teasing than to compliments? July 3, 2007
Posted by Niels in : How to, Other , 1 comment so far
Hey Niels-
Why do women respond better to teasing than to compliments?
Cam
Actually, I’d say that women don’t really respond to either. What women respond to is confidence. But it just so happens that playful teasing and compliments are both ways to powerfully display your confidence - or lack thereof.
Teasing, done poorly, makes you a jerk. Or it can highlight your own insecurity as you try to knock down someone you think is cooler than you. But playful teasing, done well, hits someone where they’re strong, rather than where they’re weak. Make fun of the girl who’s the life of the party because she never gets out of the library. Laugh at the triathlete for being a couch potato. Done well, playful teasing brings you closer to someone else. It says, “I’m not intimidated by you, and in fact we’re so close that we can laugh at each other.” And when I say laugh at each other I mean it - be prepared, because the fun girls will throw it right back at you!
Compliments, too, can be given well, or poorly. Imagine you’re the bouncer at a club and someone tells you he likes your jacket. You thank him and he asks if he can come into the club now. It takes all the meaning away from the compliment because he was just trying to get something from you. Everyone, male or female, responds poorly to a compliment that reeks of neediness. When you compliment a woman just because you want to talk to her, or kiss her, or sleep with her, your insecurities bubble right to the surface. “I don’t feel like I’m good enough to talk to you, but if I give you a compliment, will you pay attention to me?”
A well-delivered comment has no expectations. It is given confidently, with no more than a genuine desire to make someone else’s day a little bit better. And it just so happens that when you can do that, both men and women respond powerfully.
As always, it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.
Your thoughts?Parental tone and dominant questioning tonality June 30, 2007
Posted by Niels in : How to, Other, Personal , 5 commentsMost people ask a question by raising the pitch of their voice at the end of the question. I noticed tonight that it’s possible to ask a question by beginning the statement at a higher pitch and then dropping it at the end of the statement. The falling pitch is much more dominant. Think of the difference between “Go to your room?” with the pitch rising at the end vs. “Go to your room,” with the pitch falling at the end, as a father might say to his daughter.
The really interesting thing is that parental tonality can be applied to questions as well as statements. I’m going to play around with this…
Your thoughts?Authentic Man Program June 29, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Other, Personal , 4 commentsI had a great experience with San Francisco’s Authentic Man Program yesterday. They needed some volunteers to be part of an upcoming video product, so I showed up and got to watch some of the exercises they do in their workshops. The most interesting thing was that even though everyone does the same exercise, people get completely different things out of them. One of the instructors, Brian, described the process as a hologram. When you shine a light through a hologram crystal, you get an image. When you break the crystal and shine a light through one of the pieces, you still get the image. The exercises in the workshop, though very artificial, do give snapshots of different parts of people’s relationships and interactions, and the issues that arise as a result are of course very individual.
I’m really tempted to plunk down the money to take the course. I’m sure I would get a lot out of it, but at the same time, I’ve already put a huge amount of effort into improving myself. I really like the person I am now. At some point, I feel like I should accept that I have everything I need, and stop chasing the unachievable ideal.
Your thoughts?How do you make and keep friends? June 25, 2007
Posted by Niels in : How to, Other , 1 comment so farHey Niels, I’m not sure if this is asked frequently, but how do you make and keep friends? Personally, when I meet someone new, we would hang out and talk for a couple of weeks (months at most) and we would just, grow out of each other. Sometimes I feel as if I am annoying people, but it’s just me trying to get them to talk, you know? This is becoming a problem, since I have have to change friends every year in school. So, do you have any tips?
Also, it might be because I’m not too great of a talker. I can maybe carry a 5 minute conversation and it just dies.
-Gina
First things first, Gina. Let me ask you something. What do you bring to the table? You say that you’re trying to get other people to talk, but you also say you can’t carry on more than a five minute conversation. You can’t depend on other people to drive the conversation simply because you can’t do it yourself.
What about your friendships? Are you depending on other people to complete you? Because that will never happen either.
Take care of yourself first. Work on your conversational skills until your conversations go as long as you want. Improv classes are a great place to start. Find a hobby and join a group. Whether it’s art, sports, dancing, music, or something completely different, fill your life with activities you enjoy.
Make it your goal to lead a fascinating, fulfilling life. If your life is empty, you put the burden of your happiness onto your friends’ shoulders. And no one wants that. But when you’re following your passions you’ll notice that other people want to come along for the adventure.
Your thoughts?My interview in Kiplinger’s Personal finance June 20, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Beauty and the Geek, Magazine, Other, Personal , 3 commentsKiplinger Personal Finance magazine profiled me in this month’s issue. Unfortunately, all you can get online is the blurb: “From Engineering Geek to Dating Coach: A PhD student in electrical engineering changes direction after a stint on the reality TV show Beauty and the Geek.” But if you swing by your local bookstore, you can check me out on the last page of the July 2007 issue. I do have to say, it was a great experience working with a photographer who was working to make me look cool rather than geeky.
Your thoughts?