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Birth control pills are dooming your marriage September 17, 2007

Posted by Niels in : Life, the universe, and everything, Other , 10 comments

Tanja Diamond bills herself as “the world’s only sexual transformation expert”. (I’m not sure why, because each time she introduced herself she would have to follow it up by explaining that she didn’t transform men into women, she transforms their sexual abilities. Just so we’re clear.) She was one of a panel of five speakers, including myself, who spoke at a men’s development event on Sunday, and she brought up some troubling recent research.

I was already familiar with the first study. Women were given T-shirts from a number of different men and instructed to smell the shirts and rate which they thought smelled the best. It turned out that universally, women preferred the odors of men whose immune systems most differed from their own.

It was found, by Wedekind and his team, that how women rate a man’s body odor pleasantness and sexiness depends upon how much of their MHC profile is shared. Overall, women prefer those scents exuded by men whose MHC profiles varied the most from their own. Hence, any given man’s odor could be pleasingly alluring to one woman, yet an offensive turnoff to another.
-Psychology Today

It makes sense that nature would engineer us to be attracted to people with a different genetic profile. Encouraging cross-breeding leads to healthier offspring. The catch is that once a woman gets pregnant, her preferences change and she is more attracted to her own tribe. And birth control pills work by manipulating hormone levels to simulate pregnancy. So the men a woman is naturally attracted to change when she goes on the pill.

The Swiss researchers found that women taking oral contraceptives (which block conception by tricking the body into thinking it’s pregnant) reported reversed preferences, liking more the smells that reminded them of home and kin. Since the Pill reverses natural preferences, a woman may feel attracted to men she wouldn’t normally notice if she were not on birth control - men who have similar MHC profiles.
-Psychology Today

The obvious question: well, what happens if my wife and I fell in love while she’s on the pill and wired to be attracted to her own family? Scientists have something to say about that, too. Back to Psychology Today:

The effects of such evolutionary novel mate choices can go well beyond the bewilderment of a wife who stops taking her contraceptive pills and notices her husband’s “newly” foul body odor. Couples experiencing difficulty conceiving a child - even after several attempts at tubal embryo transfer - share significantly more of their MHC than do couples who conceive more easily. These couples’ grief is not caused by either partner’s infertility, but to an unfortunate combination of otherwise viable genes.

Conclusion? Before you enter into any serious long-term commitments, have your partner go off the pill for a while. If the chemistry evaporates with the hormones, better to find out sooner rather than later.

Your thoughts?

Back to San Francisco for Art of Rapport 2.0! August 23, 2007

Posted by Niels in : Other, Personal , add a comment

I’m getting burned out on travel but I can’t miss this. I’ll be one of four instructors rocking the first ever Advanced Art of Rapport this weekend in San Francisco. I can’t wait. As of now, we’re planning on throwing out an entire day of fieldwork and really just hammering home on how to build an amazing emotional connection. Art of Paying Attention to the Conversation. This is going to be great.

Your thoughts?

How to tell if a girl is a slut August 20, 2007

Posted by Niels in : Life, the universe, and everything, Other, Personal , 40 comments

There are a number of ideals that I strive for in my relationships. “Be honest.” “Leave her better than you found her.” But there is one that is bigger and more important than any other, and that is, “Always protect her from judgment.”

There is no comparable label for men that causes them to lose all social value the way the label “slut” does for women. And it is absolutely your responsibility to make sure that label is never, ever attached to a girl you date.

Maybe one day we will acknowledge that women have the same desires men do. But until that day comes (this is only the twenty-first century, after all), I suppose all I can do is get really angry at those who insist on clinging to an archaic method of controlling women’s behavior through an intricate system of societal judgments.

An excerpt from a recent message board post. My response follows.

I mean, who the fuck are these girls that let you sleep with them the first night, even if you suspect they don’t normally do so (and how can you be so sure…)?

Most girls will sleep with the right guy within a time frame that would blow your mind. You what usually prevents them from doing so? Assholes like you who hold them to a societal double standard that removes all their social value if they actually give in to their desires. You douchebag.

Who do you think you are to judge a girl based on how quickly she was swept off her feet? You know why the girls you date wait a while to sleep with you? You’re not selecting some from batch of “pristine”, “morally-enabled” girls. They just understand that giving in to what both of you actually want would sabotage the relationship because you’re a holier-than-thou judgmental dick. When a girl meets you, your behavior communicates, “I’m a guy who doesn’t understand women, put me on the one-month plan or slower.”

I can tell just from the way you write. “let you sleep with them”? Sex is not some hidden treasure on a pedestal that women keep locked away from all the unworthy men who try to steal it away from them.

Guess what? That exact same girl will put a less-judgmental man on the sub-one-day plan. Because she knows she can be herself with him, be honest with him, and if she is so into him that she gives him the opportunity for an incredible shared experience much sooner than other guys, she knows he won’t throw it back in her face by sitting on his high cloud and calling her a slut. Screw you.

Your thoughts?

This family moment was brought to you by an emotional connection August 17, 2007

Posted by Niels in : Other , 1 comment so far

grandmother_emotional_connection_family.jpgI recently received a heartwarming email from a former student. Learning to open myself up didn’t just improve my relationships with women, it improved all the relationships in my life. I love hearing from other people who have transformed their relationships with their friends and family as well. Emotions - they’re not just for pickup anymore.

On my side i had an amazing weekend! I just had to share couple of things with you. Because i can’t see them taking place without your support and you pushing me out of my boundaries during the seminar.

On Saturday, we celebrated joyfully my grandma’s 80th birthday. My mother set up all the event for her (inviting people, cooking everything,…), and she wanted me to help her writing a speech while she was driving. I first wanted to check with her what she absolutely wanted to tell her. But her judgmental part took control of the situation… ‘Now you HAVE to stop… and you SHOULD… Before you WERE…’ Any of her sentence was full of negativity, judgment, and FACTS!!!! So i helped her trying to first express what she deeply wanted to share her, i helped her paint images, i helped her to express her emotions (that is the part where i remembered seeing you at the London seminar telling me ‘Facts, facts, facts, …. I want emotions!’ and while trying to put in emotions, i kept with facts, and i hated it … until i was finally able to put emotions in it :-)) .

At the end of the delicious meal she prepared, she went on for the speech. She was so anxious! I can still hear her voice getting weaker, becoming slower, deeper…. a small pause. Tension increasing. An intense moment, her eyes were telling more than her words could. Seeing my grandma’s eyes getting shinier, a sparkle in her eyes, i understood she was remembering some part of her life as my mother was describing her those. And no one could have done it as well. Tension kept building up. Anyone could feel it. no one was speaking anymore - even babies were only listening. No more joke, commentary… everyone was living that instant fully. The judgments had disappeared, all was left were true deep emotions expressing fully in her presence.
She got huge applause as she was smiling back at me. She did it!

When later on, she drive back she felt a need to thank me for writing the speech. But as i told her it was her speech! All i did was to help her get in touch with the real emotions and forget for a minute of the obligations of life! It felt incredibly good being able to do it!

Thanks man!!!

Your thoughts?

Why “levels of pickup mastery” is a dumb idea August 14, 2007

Posted by Niels in : How to, Other, Personal , 5 comments

I love the idea of a community of men working together to improve their social skills, rediscover their masculinity, and deepen their understanding of relationships. I love the fact that those who grew up without strong male role models in their life can now search for them among their peers. But it’s so frustrating to me whenever I see the misogyny, insecurity, and general weirdness that still permeates the “seduction community”. There’s so much potential for positive social change and yet time and time again I see healthy attitudes losing the battle in a sea of creepiness.

I found the following on a bulletin board, the poster is talking about “levels of pickup mastery”. Ignore the weird creepy jargon, or just take it as another red flag that the poster has lost his way…

So courtesy Mystery i’m setting up some levels (all of them are based on skillset - the results are just a means of measurement).

Yellow Belt (basically rAFC) - gets his ass kicked.
I’m sure all the guys can relate to the fact that though being a rAFC is >> being an AFC. you still get your ass kicked.

Green Belt - can pull a day 2 with a HB8+ any given fortnight he chooses.

Explanation: fortnight means that in the time period of two weeks you can convince a HB8+ to meet you again, in an isolated
situation. (it should be obvious that a f-close >> day 2).

Orange Belt - can pull a day 2 with a HB8+ any given week. Also has f-closed atleast a B7.5 using ASF skillset. This level is the same as GPUA level.

Red Belt - can f-close a HB8+ any given month.

Explanation: A red belt decides that in may he’s gonna f-close a hb8+, and starting May 1st, by the end of May he’s done it.

Brown Belt - can f-close a HB8+ any given fortnight.

Black Belt - can f-close a HB8+ any given week.
Explanation: Cold Approach to f-close must be within a week.
Regardless of Logistics.
Black Belt - PUA Level. This is the exact same as PUA level in ASF.

You know what?

Who cares?

Who cares whether you’re an AFC or a PUA or an XYZ or an MZQ? Who cares if you’ve slept with 2 girls or 200? Are you seriously saying that if someone sleeps with a new girl every week he is in some way “better” than someone who sleeps with a new girl every two weeks?

There’s only one question that matters in all of this, and that is: Are you happy? I’m satisfied with the knowledge that I can create any kind of relationship I can imagine. Whatever makes me the happiest, I can go out and make it part of my life.

Put a guy in front of me. I don’t care how hot the girls he’s shagging are. I don’t care how comfortable he is in bars. I don’t even care if he can cold approach. If he has everything he wants and is happy with his life, then he’s achieved mastery.

Trying to impose some arbitrary ranking system for “who has improved themselves more” is an exercise in futility. Don’t let other people tell you “Oh, you can’t or be happy unless you can get a new girl every week.” Or, “You can’t be happy unless you’re having sex with strippers.” Or, “You can’t be happy unless you’re having regular threesomes.”

Ask yourself, what do I need to be happy? Because once you’ve lost sight of that then caring about “levels of pickup mastery” is no different than getting excited about your level 60 elf paladin on Everquest.

Your thoughts?