Parental tone and dominant questioning tonality June 30, 2007
Posted by Niels in : How to, Other, Personal , 5 commentsMost people ask a question by raising the pitch of their voice at the end of the question. I noticed tonight that it’s possible to ask a question by beginning the statement at a higher pitch and then dropping it at the end of the statement. The falling pitch is much more dominant. Think of the difference between “Go to your room?” with the pitch rising at the end vs. “Go to your room,” with the pitch falling at the end, as a father might say to his daughter.
The really interesting thing is that parental tonality can be applied to questions as well as statements. I’m going to play around with this…
Your thoughts?How do you make and keep friends? June 25, 2007
Posted by Niels in : How to, Other , 1 comment so farHey Niels, I’m not sure if this is asked frequently, but how do you make and keep friends? Personally, when I meet someone new, we would hang out and talk for a couple of weeks (months at most) and we would just, grow out of each other. Sometimes I feel as if I am annoying people, but it’s just me trying to get them to talk, you know? This is becoming a problem, since I have have to change friends every year in school. So, do you have any tips?
Also, it might be because I’m not too great of a talker. I can maybe carry a 5 minute conversation and it just dies.
-Gina
First things first, Gina. Let me ask you something. What do you bring to the table? You say that you’re trying to get other people to talk, but you also say you can’t carry on more than a five minute conversation. You can’t depend on other people to drive the conversation simply because you can’t do it yourself.
What about your friendships? Are you depending on other people to complete you? Because that will never happen either.
Take care of yourself first. Work on your conversational skills until your conversations go as long as you want. Improv classes are a great place to start. Find a hobby and join a group. Whether it’s art, sports, dancing, music, or something completely different, fill your life with activities you enjoy.
Make it your goal to lead a fascinating, fulfilling life. If your life is empty, you put the burden of your happiness onto your friends’ shoulders. And no one wants that. But when you’re following your passions you’ll notice that other people want to come along for the adventure.
Your thoughts?To win or Toulouse: Working the room when you don’t speak the language June 18, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Beauty and the Geek, How to, Other, Personal , 4 commentsI had a fantastic time in Toulouse. It feels smaller than any big city I’ve ever been in. I spent a few days wandering around downtown Toulouse with a former student and never would have guessed that it’s the fourth-largest city in France (behind Paris, Lyon, and Marseilles, just so you know).
My last night was the most fun. A nice dinner (Oh God, baked Camembert with fig is so good. And so is duck - aguillettes de canard, ou magrete de canard… mmm…), followed by a meeting with the “Toulousian Artists’ Club”. I met ten pretty cool guys (only a few of whom spoke English, so it was interesting), all working to become more comfortable in social settings and more successful with women. We talked for a while and everyone wanted to hear my take on the process. They’ve been reading a lot of community stuff - magic tricks and routines and all that jazz, and most of them were really receptive to the idea that there is another way. I enjoyed having such an enthusiastic audience - it’s nice to be appreciated.
Afterwards a few of us went out to a French bar. I’ve never worked a room in another language, but I think I figured it out. Lots of expressiveness, lots of facial expression, and an enthusiastic, “Bonsoir! Hello!” to everyone in the room did the trick. This evening was a personal achievement for me as well, since I’ve been nervous about talking to strangers who don’t speak my language. I don’t want to be the obnoxious American who assumes everyone speaks English, but at the same time - je ne peux pas bien parler francais.
The evening went incredibly well, though. I’d say about 1 in 10 people spoke English, but since they were all in groups, about half the groups I approached had at least one person who would react really well and engage me in conversation. I had girls laughing and touching me, guys buying me drinks, and I was even recognized by some French fans of Beauty and the Geek (they watched it over the internet). Seriously, what are the odds?
So, moral of the story:
1) Fun, friendliness, and body language translate, even if your words don’t.
2) “Hello!” and “I don’t really speak French!” are the only phrases you need to know
3) One day, I will pick up a girl whose language I do not speak at all. And it will be hot.
Photos soon…
Your thoughts?How do I let a girl know I like her? June 6, 2007
Posted by Niels in : How to, Other , 4 comments
Hi Niels,
Your website is very good! I’ve been reading about the pickup stuff but when talking to girls i just can’t seem to come up with good SOIs (show of interest / statement of intent). I just tell the girls very cheesy lines that doesn’t seem to work for me. Please, can you give me some examples of SOI. I think I can improve my game a lot more if I get around this.
-JZ
Hi JZ - I think you’re falling into the common trap of paying attention to what you say. It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. To express your interest in a girl you’ve just met, just give her a compliment. “You’re cute.” “I like you.” “You’re very sexy.” But again, it’s all about how you say it.
This is not a needy compliment. You are not complimenting her in order to make her like you. You are not complimenting her in order to move closer to some goal of your own. You are merely giving her a genuine compliment to make her day a little better because you are confident enough to do so without expecting anything in return.
Your thoughts?In the Blink of an eye - trust your intuition May 24, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Life, the universe, and everything, Links , 11 comments
A commenter on my recent post Address the Emotions, not the Logic said this:
You can’t just watch a couple interact for a couple of minutes and then make these big judgements about them. You have no idea what they’re usually like, or how significant these different events are to them.
But John Gottman, a world renowned social psychologist, would beg to differ.
There is the story of the psychologist John Gottman, who since the 1980’s has worked with more than 3,000 married couples in a small room, his ”love lab,” near the University of Washington. He videotapes them having a conversation. Reviewing just an hour’s worth of each tape, Gottman has been able to predict with 95 percent accuracy whether that couple will be married 15 years later. If he watches only 15 minutes of tape, his success rate is about 90 percent. Scientists in his lab have determined they can usually predict whether a marriage will work after watching just three minutes of newlywed conversation.
(From the New York Times review of Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink