Ask Niels: My friend is flirting with my crush! April 12, 2007
Posted by Niels in : How to, Other , 4 comments
Theres a guy I’ve had a thing for since late September. He and I had connected greatly and we started hanging out everyday after school. We would usually flirt then when there weren’t people staring at us. Recently, one of my best friends started flirting with him, a lot. I had talked to her about it, but she it didn’t seem to effect her. Now, she has a boyfriend, but she still flirts with that guy I like. I’ve tried telling her it made me uncomfortable, and she apologized, but she isn’t stopping! He flirts back, but he told me he didn’t feel for her. She ALSO butts in whenever I’m talking to her, so that’s also a problem. What would you suggest I do? A response would mean a lot to me, seeing as how Yahoo! Answers only brought flamers.
-Ann
Sorry Ann, but there’s a statute of limitations on potential relationships. If you two have been flirting for SIX MONTHS and neither of you has had the balls to make a move, then it’s open season for anyone else. Especially if this someone else just enjoys flirting for the fun of it. I flirt with little old ladies all the time. Flirting is fun. It makes people feel good.
If you had just met this guy and were working on making something happen, then I would tell you to reevaluate what kind of a friend you’ve got. But you’ve let months and months of opportunities go by. You don’t get a perpetual monopoly on flirting with this guy.
And even if you two were dating, you should be confident enough in yourself and your relationship to not mind when other people flirt with your guy. I like it when other guys flirt with a girl I’m dating. I know they’re not going to take her away from me, it reminds me how sexy she is, it reminds her how sexy she is, and once they get her all turned on, I get to reap the benefits.
Be a better flirt than your friend, hook this guy, and then all of you can flirt together. Oh, and while you’re at it, start flirting with her boyfriend…
Your thoughts?Ask Niels: Can I be alone and happy? April 9, 2007
Posted by Niels in : How to, Other , 5 comments
Ok dating expert- I have one for you. I have thought this possible or I thought I was until someone told me different. I am not too sure why he told me this either. I am singe with child, with my own career. I am pretty frikin happy or so I thought. I came across someone, who wants to have a more intimate relationship with me and I dont feel the same way. He told me that I cant possibly he happy alone and I was just fooling myself.
Do you think you need to be dating, (or even mating w/someone?) to be happy? Is all about romantic relationships? Is that what really makes the world go round? am I delusional? ease my mind here! Its not like if i didn’t meet someone who interested me I wouldn’t want things to go further but I am not going to be with someone, to be with someone.. did I just answer my own question? What is wrong with me? is there something wrong with me?
-Stacey
Actually, not only do I think that you can be alone and happy, I think it’s absolutely essential that you are. So many people are looking for the relationship that will complete them - but that relationship doesn’t exist. If they’re looking for their happiness in another person, they’re looking in the wrong place.
I do eventually want to settle down with an amazing woman, but if it takes me a while to find her, that’s ok with me. There’s no rush for me, and no pressure to settle down before I’m ready, or with the wrong person. I’ve spent long periods of time single and I know I can be happy on my own. On the other end of the spectrum, I have friends who have bounced from relationship to relationship their entire life and never had the opportunity to discover what they were all about as an individual. In all likelihood, they will get married, merge with their partner, and never really know themselves.
Those people who need a relationship to be happy are the ones who become needy, clingy, and co-dependent when they enter one. And those qualities are huge red flags that will send a high-quality, emotionally healthy, independent person like yourself running for the hills.
So Stacey, I think you have exactly the right attitude. Appreciate yourself first. Build a life in which you can be happy alone. Eventually, you will meet someone in the same situation and the two of you will make a conscious decision to share parts of your lives with each other, forming a harmonious union instead of a co-dependent nightmare. You know what makes you happy. Trust yourself.
Your thoughts?Ask Niels: I want to be part of the conversation April 7, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Beauty and the Geek, How to, Other , add a comment
I watched you in the last episode of BATG and noticed a similarity with a problem I am currently having in life, I was wondering if you have a way to get rid of this…
The issue is when sitting amongst friends, while they chat and laugh and stuff, I just sit there looking “gormless” as they put it :( and I smile every now and then…and talk every no and then…but not like them…
-Dave
First of all Dave, let me introduce you to the number one rule of social interaction. It is this:
SMILE!
Smiling “every now and then” is not enough. Slap a stupid smile on your face and don’t take it off all evening. I was in Paris recently, out with a bunch of people whose language I didn’t speak. I had no idea what the conversation was about. So I just smiled. All the time, no matter what. And guess what? People came up to talk to me. If you’re a fun person, people will work to include you in the conversation.
But it’s not their responsibility. It’s yours. If you want to be part of the conversation, then start talking! I talked about keeping a conversation going in my post How to Keep a Conversation Going. Pay attention, and jump in when you have something to say. Have the confidence to believe that your thoughts are valuable. Listen to other people. It’s easy to sit back and let the conversation just wash over you. Or you could put some effort in and become a better conversationalist.
It won’t happen overnight, but it happens faster than you would think.
Your thoughts?Ask Niels: How do I overcome a fear of failure? April 5, 2007
Posted by Niels in : How to, Other , 3 comments
I’m a great fan of the show, and I read your blog often. I am a nineteen year old guy, hoping I can muster up enough courage to go to school in August. I wanted to ask you a question.
You are obviously a bright and intelligent individual. How did you overcome your mental blockades and achieve the goals you wanted to achieve in life? The only reason I haven’t started my freshman year of college is because I fear I won’t have what it takes to make it in school. I was a painfully average student in high school, with a lack of motivation stemming from emotional trauma as a child and no real focus in life. A wise man once said, “You can’t make others happy until you’re happy with yourself.” and I feel I need to sort through some important things inside before I move on to the books.
You, with your perfect SAT score and pleasant personality, are a real role model for me. How can I overcome my issues and focus on the real task at hand?
-Nick
Hi Nick -
This is a really tough question, and a large part of the answer boils down to knowing yourself.
What do you want? Do you want the security of a corporate job, or do you want the freedom of working for yourself? Do you value your work or your relationships? What sort of impression do you want to leave on this world when you do?
I want to live a life that makes people want to write my biography. I want people to look at me and think, “How did he do that?”, then discover that my story is more incredible than they could have imagined.
Find what motivates you and start working toward it. If you don’t know yet, then take some time to figure it out. You don’t have to know for sure. In fact, it will probably take you years to decide. But you should have an idea general enough to know whether college is a necessary step toward that goal, and whether college is something you can do in the background while you continue your journey of self-awareness.
The other half of the equation is being able to take a step back and look at the big picture. You’re nineteen. Most of the decisions you make now are not going to have a large impact on your future. Your choice of college may affect you for a few years after graduation. If you enroll in college and fail out, you may struggle for a few years. But you will get a job and if you’re motivated, you’ll discover a new path to success. I’d bet you’d be back on your feet well before you turn twenty one.
Discover what motivates you and move toward it. Small steps will get you there eventually.
Your thoughts?Ask Niels: How do I improve my English? April 1, 2007
Posted by Niels in : How to , 6 comments
Since you’re totally smart and all, i’d like some advice. i’ve been struggling with english for quite a few years. It’s not that i have a major problem with speak, or understanding, but it’s vocabulary and writing. What books would you suggest me read? I get my provincials this year, and i dont’ want to fail L.A. with a 50% on reading comprehension. if you could give me some suggestions, i’d really appreciate it.
-F.O.
Trashy romance novels. Or whatever you enjoy reading. I’m no expert, but if you’re working to improve your language skills, quantity will help you more than quality. So pick something you like and read a lot of it!
I’m going to post this on my blog and see if any of my readers have other suggestions. Readers?
Your thoughts?