How do you make and keep friends? June 25, 2007
Posted by Niels in : How to, Other , 1 comment so farHey Niels, I’m not sure if this is asked frequently, but how do you make and keep friends? Personally, when I meet someone new, we would hang out and talk for a couple of weeks (months at most) and we would just, grow out of each other. Sometimes I feel as if I am annoying people, but it’s just me trying to get them to talk, you know? This is becoming a problem, since I have have to change friends every year in school. So, do you have any tips?
Also, it might be because I’m not too great of a talker. I can maybe carry a 5 minute conversation and it just dies.
-Gina
First things first, Gina. Let me ask you something. What do you bring to the table? You say that you’re trying to get other people to talk, but you also say you can’t carry on more than a five minute conversation. You can’t depend on other people to drive the conversation simply because you can’t do it yourself.
What about your friendships? Are you depending on other people to complete you? Because that will never happen either.
Take care of yourself first. Work on your conversational skills until your conversations go as long as you want. Improv classes are a great place to start. Find a hobby and join a group. Whether it’s art, sports, dancing, music, or something completely different, fill your life with activities you enjoy.
Make it your goal to lead a fascinating, fulfilling life. If your life is empty, you put the burden of your happiness onto your friends’ shoulders. And no one wants that. But when you’re following your passions you’ll notice that other people want to come along for the adventure.
Your thoughts?To win or Toulouse: Working the room when you don’t speak the language June 18, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Beauty and the Geek, How to, Other, Personal , 4 commentsI had a fantastic time in Toulouse. It feels smaller than any big city I’ve ever been in. I spent a few days wandering around downtown Toulouse with a former student and never would have guessed that it’s the fourth-largest city in France (behind Paris, Lyon, and Marseilles, just so you know).
My last night was the most fun. A nice dinner (Oh God, baked Camembert with fig is so good. And so is duck - aguillettes de canard, ou magrete de canard… mmm…), followed by a meeting with the “Toulousian Artists’ Club”. I met ten pretty cool guys (only a few of whom spoke English, so it was interesting), all working to become more comfortable in social settings and more successful with women. We talked for a while and everyone wanted to hear my take on the process. They’ve been reading a lot of community stuff - magic tricks and routines and all that jazz, and most of them were really receptive to the idea that there is another way. I enjoyed having such an enthusiastic audience - it’s nice to be appreciated.
Afterwards a few of us went out to a French bar. I’ve never worked a room in another language, but I think I figured it out. Lots of expressiveness, lots of facial expression, and an enthusiastic, “Bonsoir! Hello!” to everyone in the room did the trick. This evening was a personal achievement for me as well, since I’ve been nervous about talking to strangers who don’t speak my language. I don’t want to be the obnoxious American who assumes everyone speaks English, but at the same time - je ne peux pas bien parler francais.
The evening went incredibly well, though. I’d say about 1 in 10 people spoke English, but since they were all in groups, about half the groups I approached had at least one person who would react really well and engage me in conversation. I had girls laughing and touching me, guys buying me drinks, and I was even recognized by some French fans of Beauty and the Geek (they watched it over the internet). Seriously, what are the odds?
So, moral of the story:
1) Fun, friendliness, and body language translate, even if your words don’t.
2) “Hello!” and “I don’t really speak French!” are the only phrases you need to know
3) One day, I will pick up a girl whose language I do not speak at all. And it will be hot.
Photos soon…
Your thoughts?How do I let a girl know I like her? June 6, 2007
Posted by Niels in : How to, Other , 3 comments
Hi Niels,
Your website is very good! I’ve been reading about the pickup stuff but when talking to girls i just can’t seem to come up with good SOIs (show of interest / statement of intent). I just tell the girls very cheesy lines that doesn’t seem to work for me. Please, can you give me some examples of SOI. I think I can improve my game a lot more if I get around this.
-JZ
Hi JZ - I think you’re falling into the common trap of paying attention to what you say. It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. To express your interest in a girl you’ve just met, just give her a compliment. “You’re cute.” “I like you.” “You’re very sexy.” But again, it’s all about how you say it.
This is not a needy compliment. You are not complimenting her in order to make her like you. You are not complimenting her in order to move closer to some goal of your own. You are merely giving her a genuine compliment to make her day a little better because you are confident enough to do so without expecting anything in return.
Your thoughts?Ask Niels: How do I show her she’s special? May 22, 2007
Posted by Niels in : How to, Other , 3 comments
I just got into a kind of relationship with a girl, but we’re kind of far apart. Although I go home on weekends, with the intention of seeing her and spending time with her, she says I still don’t show her that I care about her. During the week while I’m at school and we’re apart, I call her, leave her voice mails, and text messages. In my perception I feel like I’m doing what I can to fulfill the distance between us during the week, but I guess she feels the opposite. What else can I do to show her that I do care about her?
-S
One possibility is that your girl is insecure, that what you do will never be enough, and that you should consider finding a more emotionally complete individual. I’m not saying that’s the case, but it is a possibility that is worth mentioning.
More likely, it’s something you’re doing - or more specifically, not doing. When your girl is telling you that she doesn’t feel like you care about her, she telling you that she doesn’t feel like she’s special to you. What does that mean? When she says, “You don’t care about me,” you’re interpreting the statement as, “You don’t care about me.” So you’re stalking her with voice mails, telephone calls, and text messages. That’s needy, and kind of creepy.
What she may actually be saying is, “You don’t care about me.” She feels like you could switch her out with any other girl and the relationship would be exactly the same. Have you discovered what is special and unique about your girl? More than just the fact that she’s cute? What are her hopes and dreams? Do you have the same ones? Your girl is different from every other girl in the world. Find out why.
Your thoughts?Address the emotions, not the logic May 19, 2007
Posted by Niels in : How to, Other, Personal , 12 comments
While at the casino in Venice, I saw a couple that lingers in my memory. The woman had just gotten up from the roulette table and her boyfriend came over. “What? You’re not going to bet at all?” “I don’t feel like it,” she said. “Why not?” he asked. “I don’t know,” she said as she walked away from the table.
Wrong response, Captain Logical. How about recognizing that she was intimidated by the fact that she was the only woman at the table and that all the men were betting ten times as much money as she was? How about seeing that she was scared about how you’d react if she lost money? How about noticing that you threaten her femininity by leaving her to fend for herself in a purely male activity?
How about giving her a big hug, calling her silly, and playing a few rounds WITH her so she’s comforted by seeing that it really is just a game to you?
(Note: I do not support gambling without an edge, but if you’re dead set on throwing your money away, there’s no reason to throw your relationship away along with it.)
Your thoughts?