Parental tone and dominant questioning tonality June 30, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Ask Niels, Dating coach, How to, Personal , 5 commentsMost people ask a question by raising the pitch of their voice at the end of the question. I noticed tonight that it’s possible to ask a question by beginning the statement at a higher pitch and then dropping it at the end of the statement. The falling pitch is much more dominant. Think of the difference between “Go to your room?” with the pitch rising at the end vs. “Go to your room,” with the pitch falling at the end, as a father might say to his daughter.
The really interesting thing is that parental tonality can be applied to questions as well as statements. I’m going to play around with this…
Your thoughts?How do you make and keep friends? June 25, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Ask Niels, Dating coach, How to , 1 comment so farHey Niels, I’m not sure if this is asked frequently, but how do you make and keep friends? Personally, when I meet someone new, we would hang out and talk for a couple of weeks (months at most) and we would just, grow out of each other. Sometimes I feel as if I am annoying people, but it’s just me trying to get them to talk, you know? This is becoming a problem, since I have have to change friends every year in school. So, do you have any tips?
Also, it might be because I’m not too great of a talker. I can maybe carry a 5 minute conversation and it just dies.
-Gina
First things first, Gina. Let me ask you something. What do you bring to the table? You say that you’re trying to get other people to talk, but you also say you can’t carry on more than a five minute conversation. You can’t depend on other people to drive the conversation simply because you can’t do it yourself.
What about your friendships? Are you depending on other people to complete you? Because that will never happen either.
Take care of yourself first. Work on your conversational skills until your conversations go as long as you want. Improv classes are a great place to start. Find a hobby and join a group. Whether it’s art, sports, dancing, music, or something completely different, fill your life with activities you enjoy.
Make it your goal to lead a fascinating, fulfilling life. If your life is empty, you put the burden of your happiness onto your friends’ shoulders. And no one wants that. But when you’re following your passions you’ll notice that other people want to come along for the adventure.
Your thoughts?How fast should I be learning? June 20, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Ask Niels, Dating coach , add a comment[excerpt from a students question] The testimonials all imply that by now I should have a harem of three hot girls I rotate through, or something like that. I know that they’re all marketing bullshit anyway, but I can’t help feeling that I should be doing better than I am. Should I be applying myself more? In what way?
Don’t be concerned with your rate of progress. I’ve had students come through who learn this way faster than I did. Some of them are better than me now. People learn at different rates based on their backgrounds, their natural abilities, and how much of their life outside pickup they’re willing to give up.
The only thing that is important is this: Are you making progress? Are you doing things this month that you weren’t doing last month? If the answer is yes, then you’re moving towards your goals. It doesn’t matter how small the steps are, if you’re moving towards your goals, you’ll get there.
Your thoughts?How do I let a girl know I like her? June 6, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Ask Niels, Dating coach, How to , 3 comments
Hi Niels,
Your website is very good! I’ve been reading about the pickup stuff but when talking to girls i just can’t seem to come up with good SOIs (show of interest / statement of intent). I just tell the girls very cheesy lines that doesn’t seem to work for me. Please, can you give me some examples of SOI. I think I can improve my game a lot more if I get around this.
-JZ
Hi JZ - I think you’re falling into the common trap of paying attention to what you say. It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. To express your interest in a girl you’ve just met, just give her a compliment. “You’re cute.” “I like you.” “You’re very sexy.” But again, it’s all about how you say it.
This is not a needy compliment. You are not complimenting her in order to make her like you. You are not complimenting her in order to move closer to some goal of your own. You are merely giving her a genuine compliment to make her day a little better because you are confident enough to do so without expecting anything in return.
Your thoughts?Cheap resources for understanding women and relationships May 31, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Ask Niels, Dating coach , 3 commentsDear Niels,
I’m not sure what the proper forum is for posting “Ask Niels” questions, but I’ll just post it here in the comments section, in the hopes you’ll read it. In case, we can’t take a class like “art of attraction” in person, are there any materials you recommend reading (either online or books)? I’ve heard “The Game” is good for guys, although I’m wondering what your take is on the book. And are reading books like “The Rules” useful for understanding women as well?
My list of recommended reading can be found here.
I’ve read The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right
As far as advice for women goes, David Clare recommends Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl-A Woman’s Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship
But for those of you looking for insight into women’s psyche, Carlos Xuma suggested I read Women’s Infidelity: Living In Limbo: What Women Really Mean When They Say “I’m Not Happy”