Ask Niels: How do I set up a second date? October 8, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Ask Niels, Dating coach, How to , 1 comment so farI just wanted to let you know I think you are a stand up guy. I just read your blog and I too dididn’t have my first date until 20. It was the same for me just a few phone calls before and after the date, then the calls stopped. Since then I have been single and it’s been hard to find a descent guy. If you have any advice that would be great.
-Susan
Hey Susan! You’re not giving me much to go on - I’m not sure whether you mean it’s hard to meet a guy, to get a first date, or to get a second date. But one thing I can offer you is this: arrange the second date when you’re still on the first date. If you can’t set up the second date when you’re with him and having fun together, how are you possibly going to do it over the phone? And if he doesn’t want to meet you again, at least you know then and you save yourself all those painful phone calls.
Your thoughts?Positively delightful September 21, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Ask Niels, Dating coach, How to, Life, the universe, and everything , 1 comment so farOne of the most powerful tips for self-improvement is also one of the simplest. Be positive. Learn to relate to the world in a positive light. “This heatwave is great! It’s given me a whole new appreciation for ice cream!”
It’s so easy to fall back on negativity to drive a conversation. Everyone can relate to being frustrated, or sleep-deprived, or depressed. But these topics are a conversational crutch.
Stay positive. Be the optimist who pulls any group up and people will fight for your company.
Your thoughts?How to tell if a girl is a slut August 20, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Ask Niels, Dating coach, Life, the universe, and everything, Personal , 17 commentsThere are a number of ideals that I strive for in my relationships. “Be honest.” “Leave her better than you found her.” But there is one that is bigger and more important than any other, and that is, “Always protect her from judgment.”
There is no comparable label for men that causes them to lose all social value the way the label “slut” does for women. And it is absolutely your responsibility to make sure that label is never, ever attached to a girl you date.
Maybe one day we will acknowledge that women have the same desires men do. But until that day comes (this is only the twenty-first century, after all), I suppose all I can do is get really angry at those who insist on clinging to an archaic method of controlling women’s behavior through an intricate system of societal judgments.
An excerpt from a recent message board post. My response follows.
I mean, who the fuck are these girls that let you sleep with them the first night, even if you suspect they don’t normally do so (and how can you be so sure…)?
Most girls will sleep with the right guy within a time frame that would blow your mind. You what usually prevents them from doing so? Assholes like you who hold them to a societal double standard that removes all their social value if they actually give in to their desires. You douchebag.
Who do you think you are to judge a girl based on how quickly she was swept off her feet? You know why the girls you date wait a while to sleep with you? You’re not selecting some from batch of “pristine”, “morally-enabled” girls. They just understand that giving in to what both of you actually want would sabotage the relationship because you’re a holier-than-thou judgmental dick. When a girl meets you, your behavior communicates, “I’m a guy who doesn’t understand women, put me on the one-month plan or slower.”
I can tell just from the way you write. “let you sleep with them”? Sex is not some hidden treasure on a pedestal that women keep locked away from all the unworthy men who try to steal it away from them.
Guess what? That exact same girl will put a less-judgmental man on the sub-one-day plan. Because she knows she can be herself with me, be honest with me, and if she is so into me that she gives me the opportunity for an incredible shared experience much sooner than other guys, she knows I won’t throw it back in her face by sitting on my high cloud and calling her a slut. Screw you.
Your thoughts?Ask Niels: Why am I scared to talk to girls? July 12, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Ask Niels, Dating coach, How to , add a comment
I have a quick question. Often with very attractive girls, I treat them as if they are smarter, more judgemental, funner, etc. than less attractive girls. This often leads to me being intimidated by them, because i put their reputation on a pedestal. I’m sure that I will also be very dissapointed with my beliefs once I meet more very attractive girls. How do you change your mindset so that you are not intimidated by very attractive girls? Maybe even something you say to yourself just before you go into approach them.
-MD
Hi MD - You’re absolutely right. As you meet more very attractive girls, you will discover that physical attractiveness does not necessarily correspond to how smart or fun they are. Or how successful they will be in life. That hot girl you see in the bar - where is she going to be 30 years from now vs. where you’re going to be 30 years from now? Looking at it that way, the pedestal that society puts beautiful women on begins to look kinda silly. So reduce your approach anxiety by taking the focus off the results of your interactions. Go out with only the intention of having fun. Smile like an idiot. Bob your head and think, “Yeah yeah yeah…” to yourself. Slap your ass. You can’t be nervous when you’re having fun.
Your thoughts?Why do women respond better to teasing than to compliments? July 3, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Ask Niels, Dating coach, How to , 1 comment so far
Hey Niels-
Why do women respond better to teasing than to compliments?
Cam
Actually, I’d say that women don’t really respond to either. What women respond to is confidence. But it just so happens that playful teasing and compliments are both ways to powerfully display your confidence - or lack thereof.
Teasing, done poorly, makes you a jerk. Or it can highlight your own insecurity as you try to knock down someone you think is cooler than you. But playful teasing, done well, hits someone where they’re strong, rather than where they’re weak. Make fun of the girl who’s the life of the party because she never gets out of the library. Laugh at the triathlete for being a couch potato. Done well, playful teasing brings you closer to someone else. It says, “I’m not intimidated by you, and in fact we’re so close that we can laugh at each other.” And when I say laugh at each other I mean it - be prepared, because the fun girls will throw it right back at you!
Compliments, too, can be given well, or poorly. Imagine you’re the bouncer at a club and someone tells you he likes your jacket. You thank him and he asks if he can come into the club now. It takes all the meaning away from the compliment because he was just trying to get something from you. Everyone, male or female, responds poorly to a compliment that reeks of neediness. When you compliment a woman just because you want to talk to her, or kiss her, or sleep with her, your insecurities bubble right to the surface. “I don’t feel like I’m good enough to talk to you, but if I give you a compliment, will you pay attention to me?”
A well-delivered comment has no expectations. It is given confidently, with no more than a genuine desire to make someone else’s day a little bit better. And it just so happens that when you can do that, both men and women respond powerfully.
As always, it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.
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