How to tell if a girl is a slut August 20, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Ask Niels, Dating coach, Life, the universe, and everything, Personal , trackbackThere are a number of ideals that I strive for in my relationships. “Be honest.” “Leave her better than you found her.” But there is one that is bigger and more important than any other, and that is, “Always protect her from judgment.”
There is no comparable label for men that causes them to lose all social value the way the label “slut” does for women. And it is absolutely your responsibility to make sure that label is never, ever attached to a girl you date.
Maybe one day we will acknowledge that women have the same desires men do. But until that day comes (this is only the twenty-first century, after all), I suppose all I can do is get really angry at those who insist on clinging to an archaic method of controlling women’s behavior through an intricate system of societal judgments.
An excerpt from a recent message board post. My response follows.
I mean, who the fuck are these girls that let you sleep with them the first night, even if you suspect they don’t normally do so (and how can you be so sure…)?
Most girls will sleep with the right guy within a time frame that would blow your mind. You what usually prevents them from doing so? Assholes like you who hold them to a societal double standard that removes all their social value if they actually give in to their desires. You douchebag.
Who do you think you are to judge a girl based on how quickly she was swept off her feet? You know why the girls you date wait a while to sleep with you? You’re not selecting some from batch of “pristine”, “morally-enabled” girls. They just understand that giving in to what both of you actually want would sabotage the relationship because you’re a holier-than-thou judgmental dick. When a girl meets you, your behavior communicates, “I’m a guy who doesn’t understand women, put me on the one-month plan or slower.”
I can tell just from the way you write. “let you sleep with them”? Sex is not some hidden treasure on a pedestal that women keep locked away from all the unworthy men who try to steal it away from them.
Guess what? That exact same girl will put a less-judgmental man on the sub-one-day plan. Because she knows she can be herself with me, be honest with me, and if she is so into me that she gives me the opportunity for an incredible shared experience much sooner than other guys, she knows I won’t throw it back in her face by sitting on my high cloud and calling her a slut. Screw you.
Comments»
Awesome post
Yes, it is poor of men to be judgmental and apply a double standard. (which is very not new, but not as bad as it used to be in Western culture. Read Tess of the D’Ubervilles by Hardy to see how bad it was.) However there are a lot of girls and women out there who will NOT sleep with a boyfriend for a VERY LONG TIME no matter how nice and nonjudgmental he is. In fact, I know quite a few people who simply refuse to have sex until marriage due to moral and/or health concerns. If a girl does not want to sleep with a guy, it is not necessarily due to her fear that the guy will judge her.
Your postings are hilarious, as well as thoughtful and to the point. Main point is that your entries are a delight to read during my hours of work study this summer! Anyhow I was wondering if you can give me some advice for how a girl can get a guy. I had a crush on this guy for almost an year now, I actually told him and in all my flusterness I told him “I have the biggest crush on him” and “I think its better to be friends”. Yea, I think I screwed myself over but I did not want to put him in a akward position. I really like him and its driving me crazy. I think I might have what wikipedia calls “love-shyness”. But so far the summer has lessen the umm “limerance” and as time pass I’m beginning to get over it. But there are relapse. And I really want something to happen because I think he’s really cool. Gee its just hard because I’m turning 20 in a matter of months and never had an relationship. Is there no hope?
Wow that is a rant…I guess the main question is ‘what is the art of attraction’ for females?
I’m probably missing the point here, but you didn’t explain how to tell if somebody is a slut.
I agree that the term “slut” shouldn’t be applied to women who simply put out quickly. But I do think it appropriately applies to people who sleep around and don’t tell their partners - or mislead their partners into thinking the relationship is exclusive. An equally negative label should be applied to men who do the same.
Great post!
OMG - I didn’t think I could adore you any more, then I read this!!
@Jumanji
Yeah, it does sound like you missed the point. At least you know that. :)
And really, the girl you describe is not a slut. She’s a cheater. A liar. It has nothing to do with sex, it’s about the dishonesty. Take sex out of the equation, remove the power from that stupid word, and start making judgements based upon things that really matter, like honesty and integrity.
Have fun with your slut! Someday she’ll come home with an STD and give it to you.
Safi, you are just jealous because you never get laid.
dr. cheryl, I heard having sex with you was like throwing a hotdog down a hallway.
fabulously original.
becuase sluts like you are common.
Not sure if i’m missing the point here. I am more judgemental if a woman makes me wait to have sex, than if she puts out after a couple dates. Sex should NOT be used as currency and in america it is.
If men ever manage to get past their homophobia, women are in trouble. Men would realize that if you want a glass of milk you dont have to buy the whole cow.
The real problem stems from america’s perception that sex is bad and anybody who is having it is immoral.
26 guys in 6 years and shes only 19!!! 16 before she had her kid when she was 15!!! and 10 more after…AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF SHE LIED ABOUT IT! I mean its nothing to be proud of, but damn to keep lying for 9 months to a person you “love”…unacceptable…heres the stats
13-the age she started having sex
26-Guys she has slept with (not including guys she had oral or etc)
16-Number of guys before she was 15
15-Age she had her kid
10-Number of guys she has been with AFTER her kid
18-Number of guys she slept with that were NOT her Boyfriend
18-Number of dudes she slept with within 1 week of knowing
2-Number of real relationships
4-Number of guys she cheated on her first relationship with
9-Number of moths that she lied repeatedly about her “conquest”
1-Dumbass who thought he could change her
The girl who wrote this article is clearly a slut.
Women do not get swept off their feet when they sleep on the first night with a guy. DONT BULLSHIT ME AND EVERYONE HERE WITH THIS BULL SHIT.
Girls sleep with guys either for money, because they are incredibly good looking or because they felt their big dick, and finaly the girl being slight drunk ( which is no excuse for giving yourself to anyone).
Im a good looking guy, and girls give their bodies to me every weekend and I do not even treat them properly. Most of them come back to see me and I even keep them as booty calls. It is unbeleivable to see how ALL types of girls can fuck 1 guy… But not all types of guys can fuck 1 girl.
This is why women are different from us…. there are three types of women in this world… the slut .. the bitch .. and the good type….GUess what ?…you are the slut and the bitch.
Oh. I assumed that “Niels” was a man’s name. Shows what I know, “pussy pimp”. I’ve turned down plenty of rich or good-looking guys, and I don’t care about dick-size. Intelligence is my turn-on of choice, which is why I wouldn’t fuck someone like you.
Personally, I appreciate this article. I think it’s true, for the most part– people are too willing to call a girl a slut if she enjoys sex. Then again, there are girls who don’t necessarily enjoy it, but are promiscuous because of esteem issues– I’ve known a few. They’re the kind who sleep with people like “pp”, because they don’t realize that they’re allowed to have standards.
I love sex, but I’m willing to do without if I don’t find someone who meets my standards. If they do, I don’t play games– why make difficult what we both want? It’s why my most recent one-night stand is now my friend in good standing. It’s a matter of choice, and making your choices for the right reasons.
hey
i really like this article
why should a man who gives himself away who will allow himself to be fucked by anything is a skirt is not loose, fast, slut, but would like to brag about is something i cant understand
in fact i would not appreciate a woman doing the same either
but in either case its their choice
what really gets to me is the fact that labels like these are not only put on by men but by women too
oftener maybe
and i know i have been guilty of it too
thankfully not anymore
everyone has a right to take or not take things forward at their own pace
pressurising either way is wrong