Can you be too emotionally comfortable? June 14, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Personal , trackback
I used to be emotionally unavailable to the extreme. There were parts of my life I kept hidden from everyone else. When I began to talk about them, it was uncomfortable. But eventually I became comfortable discussing them and had to begin digging a little deeper to arouse that same uncomfortable feeling. Nowadays I can discuss just about everything in my life comfortably. I don’t get the intense emotional reactions that I did as I was learning to open up. And I’m scared that if I become too comfortable I’ll manage to go full circle and turn the emotions completely off.
Two people talk about a painful experience in their lives. One of them is so emotionally walled off that he can divorce himself from the emotions and tell the story without discomfort. One of them is so comfortable with his emotions that he can tell the story and simply be completely comfortable with the emotions - again, no discomfort. So how do you tell these two situations apart?
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It takes some practice to be able to see the difference, and you’re not going to bat 1.000, but, basically, someone who’s shutting off their emotions is going to be responding in a distorted fashion, because they’re not really shutting off their emotions — they’re stuffing them down, and they will come out in other ways at other times that don’t make sense. This will happen when they are no longer able to control their emotions.
Yep, good question. I have read about a theory that personnal evolution is like an ascending spiral. When you go full circle, it looks like you came back to your starting point, but you actually are one “stair” above. That makes a huge difference.
hmm..probably can tell from the expressions in their eyes..? Someone who is walled off from emotions..he’ll probably have some blank look in the eyes when encounting painful experiences..but the other who is comfortable..hmm..if he’s tellin the story of a..say..best friend’s death..he’ll most likely display some fondess in his eyes as he remembers the happy memories with that friend..
Then again, just my point of view as I aint a psychiatrist.. =)
You cant, sometimes telling a emotional story over and over.. is another way of convincing yourself that it you are ok with it! sometimes yourself is the hardest person to convince. I think if can tell a emotional story about yourself without any discomfort then it is time for a new experience!
It looks like there’s a discrepancy among your readers, understandably, between whether you’re asking how to gage another person or asking how to tell whether you yourself are emotionally walled off or overly emotionally comfortable. I’m betting it’s the latter. And I’m answering as someone who is, I think, very comfortable sharing and discussing my own emotions most of the time and about most things. There have been times in my life when that has not been the case, and I can see and feel the contrast between those times and now.
The lessening of your discomfort when discussing your emotions or an emotional event does not have to be correlated at all with the lessening of your emotions themselves. The distinction between being emotionally “walled off” and emotionally accessible comes with whether or not you have the ability to (and make the choice to) tap into those emotions, both when by yourself and, at appropriate times, with others.
When I tell stories about or discuss painful events, as in your example, I might choose not to show much or any of the corresponding emotions (perhaps because I’m in a public place, or because it’s an anecdote meant to support or show empathy for the person I’m conversing with so I don’t want to make it too much about me, or whatever). They may well up unintentionally, so that I have to actively hold back tears or an angry rant, or I might just be aware that they exist somewhere beneath the surface and if I so chose, I could pay attention to them and feel them resonate rather than choosing to focus on my deliverance of the anecdote.
This looks different from being emotionally “walled off” because a person who is emotionally walled off is unable to tap into those emotions, or simply never chooses to. There are times when it is appropriate to really tap into your emotions when talking to another person, like when you choose to go to a good friend for support or comfort or help understanding those emotions, and it’s good to be able to make yourself vulnerable during those times and allow yourself to tap into them, feel them, and express them with a focus on yourself and your feelings rather than on your audience’s reception.
Also, why are you more comfortable asking this question of your blog readers rather than making it a conversation with a good friend or, I don’t know, sister? I might venture a guess that it’s because this forum allows you to put somewhat emotional material on the table without giving you reason to actually tap into those emotions with someone.
When listening to others… I would agree with eyes… and body language. Myself, I’m pretty emotionally open. With those areas that I’ve come to realization with myself, I have little to no problem sharing them with others. This has backfired on me in the past, because some people have used personal information to manipulate me. Many times, there have been issues that I have not figured out myself until I have worked them out verbally with another person. It’s a matter of trust. Some trust too easily, some don’t trust enough.
If I discuss a certain issue too many times, yes, my emotional reaction to the topic lessens. But it’s still there. Those who know me well will see it in my eyes.