Ask Niels: How do I show her she’s special? May 22, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Ask Niels, Dating coach, How to , 3 comments
I just got into a kind of relationship with a girl, but we’re kind of far apart. Although I go home on weekends, with the intention of seeing her and spending time with her, she says I still don’t show her that I care about her. During the week while I’m at school and we’re apart, I call her, leave her voice mails, and text messages. In my perception I feel like I’m doing what I can to fulfill the distance between us during the week, but I guess she feels the opposite. What else can I do to show her that I do care about her?
-S
One possibility is that your girl is insecure, that what you do will never be enough, and that you should consider finding a more emotionally complete individual. I’m not saying that’s the case, but it is a possibility that is worth mentioning.
More likely, it’s something you’re doing - or more specifically, not doing. When your girl is telling you that she doesn’t feel like you care about her, she telling you that she doesn’t feel like she’s special to you. What does that mean? When she says, “You don’t care about me,” you’re interpreting the statement as, “You don’t care about me.” So you’re stalking her with voice mails, telephone calls, and text messages. That’s needy, and kind of creepy.
What she may actually be saying is, “You don’t care about me.” She feels like you could switch her out with any other girl and the relationship would be exactly the same. Have you discovered what is special and unique about your girl? More than just the fact that she’s cute? What are her hopes and dreams? Do you have the same ones? Your girl is different from every other girl in the world. Find out why.
Your thoughts?Cognitive dissonance at the pizzeria May 21, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Life, the universe, and everything, Personal , 5 comments
After my run, I found myself with a craving for gourmet pizza. I already had dinner plans, so I figured I would swing by Cheeseboard Pizza for a single slice, just to tide me over. But when I got there, the line was huge. “If I’m going to stand in a line that long, I’m buying two slices,” I thought to myself.
Isn’t that weird? I genuinely wanted a second slice of pizza, just because the line was long. Why should the length of the line affect my desire for pizza?
I think it’s cognitive dissonance, but it’s operating on two levels. If I wait in a really long line for pizza, that pizza is going to taste particularly good. It has to, because my brain has to rationalize spending all that time in line. In this case, I think my brain subconsciously recognized that cognitive dissonance was going to set in, that the pizza was going to be unusually good, and therefore that investing in a second slice would be worthwhile.
The kicker is that Cheeseboard Pizza throws in a free half slice with every purchase. You get 1.5 slices for $2.25, or 2.5 slices for $4.50. So the long line not only persuaded my brain that it should buy more pizza, but that it should accept a worse deal on it.
I’m not sure what the takehome lesson is here. Perhaps that lousy customer service can actually help your sales? Social psychologists, would you care to weigh in?
Your thoughts?Official retraction: worst advice ever May 21, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Personal , 2 commentsOK, the last post really should have been titled, “Address the emotions, not the logic”. While it may be good advice for say, computer programming, “Address the logic, not the emotions”, is prettymuch a death sentence for a relationship. Thanks to everyone who read the content of the post and not just the title.
As a side note, I’m not trying to say that people are illogical, but rather that when someone is experiencing strong emotions, those emotions must be dealt with before logic is of any use.
Your thoughts?Address the emotions, not the logic May 19, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Ask Niels, Dating coach, How to, Personal , 10 comments
While at the casino in Venice, I saw a couple that lingers in my memory. The woman had just gotten up from the roulette table and her boyfriend came over. “What? You’re not going to bet at all?” “I don’t feel like it,” she said. “Why not?” he asked. “I don’t know,” she said as she walked away from the table.
Wrong response, Captain Logical. How about recognizing that she was intimidated by the fact that she was the only woman at the table and that all the men were betting ten times as much money as she was? How about seeing that she was scared about how you’d react if she lost money? How about noticing that you threaten her femininity by leaving her to fend for herself in a purely male activity?
How about giving her a big hug, calling her silly, and playing a few rounds WITH her so she’s comforted by seeing that it really is just a game to you?
(Note: I do not support gambling without an edge, but if you’re dead set on throwing your money away, there’s no reason to throw your relationship away along with it.)
Your thoughts?Engage your subconscious - stop paying attention May 16, 2007
Posted by Niels in : How to, Personal , 5 comments
It’s easier for me to learn a new language if I’m doing something else at the same time. I realized this strange fact while on the road in Italy. I was listening to the Pimsleur Italian
By engaging my conscious mind with, say, packing my bags, or sorting my email, it falls upon my subconscious to pay attention to the language lessons. I don’t learn as quickly - I make more mistakes and occasionally I’ll have to listen to a lesson twice. But I recall the words and phrases much much faster. To the point where I think sometimes, “Where did that come from?” When I learn the language consciously, I have to sit for five or ten seconds to remember a word, or God forbid, some sort of mnemonic mechanism. But when I apply my subconscious to the language learning, words pop into my head automatically, just like when I’m speaking English. And the fact that my laundry is getting folded while I’m learning French