Ask Niels: How do I show her she’s special? May 22, 2007
Posted by Niels in : How to, Other , trackback
I just got into a kind of relationship with a girl, but we’re kind of far apart. Although I go home on weekends, with the intention of seeing her and spending time with her, she says I still don’t show her that I care about her. During the week while I’m at school and we’re apart, I call her, leave her voice mails, and text messages. In my perception I feel like I’m doing what I can to fulfill the distance between us during the week, but I guess she feels the opposite. What else can I do to show her that I do care about her?
-S
One possibility is that your girl is insecure, that what you do will never be enough, and that you should consider finding a more emotionally complete individual. I’m not saying that’s the case, but it is a possibility that is worth mentioning.
More likely, it’s something you’re doing - or more specifically, not doing. When your girl is telling you that she doesn’t feel like you care about her, she telling you that she doesn’t feel like she’s special to you. What does that mean? When she says, “You don’t care about me,” you’re interpreting the statement as, “You don’t care about me.” So you’re stalking her with voice mails, telephone calls, and text messages. That’s needy, and kind of creepy.
What she may actually be saying is, “You don’t care about me.” She feels like you could switch her out with any other girl and the relationship would be exactly the same. Have you discovered what is special and unique about your girl? More than just the fact that she’s cute? What are her hopes and dreams? Do you have the same ones? Your girl is different from every other girl in the world. Find out why.
Comments»
Maybe she’s just not the type of person who can handle an LDR and she’s not really aware of it yet(BTW, that doesn’t mean she’s insecure or emotionally incomplete). Voice mails, emails, and telephone calls aren’t stalking, so keep doing that. Try doing little things for her, send her cute little cards through email and snail mail, send her flowers, etc., and also do little things for her when you’re with her. You may also want to talk to her about this and find out what else you can do to fix the problem.
Continue what you’re doing; calling her and leaving her messages. That is neither needy nor creepy. It would be too much if you guys just met but when you’re in a relationship, you shouldn’t worry about what you come off as (like I don’t want to call too much because I don’t want to seem desperate or needy). You call because you want to talk to her and hear her voice and because you care about her. Phone calls show her that you’re thinking about her and wondering what she is up to. However, I can see how “touching base with her” may not be enough since it becomes part of a routine. For instance, I had a long-distance boyfriend who called me everyday which was nice but after a while, it felt like calling me was just a part of his schedule (of course I would rather he called than didn’t). You don’t want your girl to feel that calling her is just something on your to-do list (like hey I called- what else do you want from me?!). And to do that, you need to look at the quality of your conversations. Aside from the hey, how are yous, how was your day, I miss yous, etc., tell her funny stories or how something you saw reminded you of her or of something you did together. You also want her to feel special by doing the little things like Denise suggested. It doesn’t need to be anything elaborate- it truly is the thought that counts.
Remember, even the most secure girl appreciates special attention once in a while!
My question would be: what do you say in your phone calls, voicemails and texts?
Right now, the girl wants you to make her feel DESIRED. In romantic relationships/sex, you need comfort and arousal to make it last. Your calls, voicemails and texts probably foster comfort as you check on her every day in a platonic way, but you probably don’t tell her enough how much you miss her, lust after her, do naughty things to her, want to see her badly, understand her emotions/world. Work on developing the emotional/physical connection more.
Good luck!