Ask Niels: Why do people treat me like I’m stupid? March 9, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Beauty and the Geek, How to, Other , 18 comments
I know you are getting like 5,000000 messages from girls & it must be getting tiresome… but I just really wanted your advice on something.. I want to learn how to transform myself so people don’t think I am stupid & will respect me more, like the girls on the show learned.. do you have any advice on this? Oh & if you don’t have time to answer I completely understand!!!
-Valerie
This past season of Beauty and the Geek was about first impressions, and that’s where your problem lies. People jump to conclusions quickly based on a first impression. We have to. Years of evolution bred survival instincts into us. The faster you realized that the chimpanzee with a stick was dangerous, the more likely you were to survive.
Whether or not it’s fair, the first impression you make governs the way people treat you. The way you walk, the way you dress, the way you talk - all these things and more affect the assumptions people make about you. I get better reactions when I approach a stranger with a smile on my face. Imagine that!
We sometimes have men come through our workshop who are extremely physically attractive, but still socially awkward. The process is especially painful for them, because everyone they meet expects them to be really social and outgoing, just because they’re good looking.
So if people treat you like you’re stupid, if you want more respect, examine the way you dress, the way you talk, the way you behave. Do you wear clothes that are inappropriate for the occasion? Perhaps people assume you’re all body and no brains. Do you say “like” all the time? Have you stopped reading books that expand your vocabulary? The way you talk says a lot about you.
Take a step back and ask yourself what image you’re presenting to the world. People jump to conclusions about you for a reason, and if you can find it, you can fix it.
Your thoughts?I’m bringing sexy back… to London! March 8, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Personal , 13 comments
I arrived in London this morning! I rode the tube from the airport to my hotel and I have to admit that I was more than a little amused by the scrolling sign that read, “This train is for cockfosters.”
And of course, I’m still in shock from the prices. $50 for a week pass on the London Underground?! I’m in desperate need of a haircut so I booked the cheapest one I could find, with the cheapest stylist in the salon. It’s still going to be my most expensive haircut ever. I’ve been in London less than a day, eaten one meal, and I’ve already spent close to $300.
I’m staying on for two weeks after this weekend’s workshop. There’s no way I can afford to stay in this city. I’ll probably spring for a ticket to Paris and just bum around Europe for a while.
Your thoughts?Ask Niels: Where are the smart men (and women)? March 7, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Other , 9 comments
I’ve personally found it difficult to meet smart men since college. Where are they? Should women who are both pretty and smart tone down their looks to meet smart men? I’ve noticed that sometimes when I think I look worse than ever I get asked out the most. I have no trouble getting dates, but there is nothing more frustrating to me than having to define a word every few minutes. Some of the “geeks” that I’ve liked seemed kind of edgy and nervous. Is there some way for me to make them feel more comfortable and confident? Flirting might get me dates with them, but it doesn’t make them feel relaxed around me. After a while hearing over and over that someone can’t believe I’m with him gets a little… irritating? obnoxious at the least. Like maybe they know a good reason I shouldn’t be with them that I haven’t figured out yet. That lack of confidence has ruined at least two relationships I’ve had with brilliant men. Great guys that I could really see myself with. Any advice for me?
-Katy
As Art of Attraction considers offering classes to women as well, I’ve actually had this discussion a few times already. Simply put, most men suck at flirting, dating, and relationships. Most men lack the confidence to play back at a woman who can actually banter with them. So do we really want to be teaching women to banter even better?
The answer is yes! The guys who come to our workshop don’t come for so they can get an “average” girl. They want to become the best version of themselves so that they can get that incredible, one-in-a-million woman when she finally comes along. I was in a bar in LA with a student last Saturday night, winging him as he talked to a gorgeous brunette. But just a few minutes in, he whispered to me that he was ready to bail on the conversation. She was boring. All of a sudden, hot’s not good enough. Now she has to be hot AND fun.
It’s the same for women. You’re looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with. You’re not looking for someone who’s just ok. Saying “He was a great catch except for his lack of confidence” is like saying “It was a great car except for its lack of an engine.” Don’t tone yourself down just so you can settle for someone who doesn’t deserve you.
The kind of man you’re looking for isn’t common. So you’re going to have to look. Supermarkets, bookstores, cooking clubs, sports teams, social circles - get out there and expand your circle of acquaintances. Talk to people in line. Read my post on Building your own social circle. Don’t settle.
And send your fantastic but unconfident friends to Art of Attraction. We’ll whip them into shape.
Your thoughts?More Beauty and the Geek fan questions March 6, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Beauty and the Geek, Personal , 10 comments
Wow seems your a very busy guy! Like many other people I just find you so intresting. I have some questions for you.
1. What is your biggest regret?
2. How do you feel being termed a”Geek”? and is that a word describes you?
3. Do you feel that on the show you were actually being Niels or were you playing a geeky niels?
4. What is on your mind?
Just wanted to write you not sure why. Oh and I hope that your not freaked out by a gay guy thinking your really HOT.
-en
1. My biggest regret is that I spent so many years emotionally walled off from my friends and my family.
2. I’m ok with being termed a “Geek”. I’d prefer dork, but I’m so happy with who I am right now that people could call me anything they want and I’d be ok with it.
3. That was me. Me eight months ago, but that was me.
4. I wish I had a cute girl on my bed next to me instead of my laptop.
Your thoughts?Why vulnerability is sexy March 5, 2007
Posted by Niels in : How to, Other , 10 comments
A commenter on my blog had this to say about one of my more emotional moments on Beauty and the Geek:
Waaaaa I’m sending my best friend into the elimination chamber waaaa. Even he was suppressing his laughter. Lol grow some balls douchebag.
There’s a lot of people who believe that real men are emotionless. Any sign of emotion is a sign of weakness. They build walls around their emotions, bottle them up, and push them deep down where no one will ever see them. I know, because I was like that once.
Any you know what? It was easy. It’s so easy to go through life as feelingless shell, unaffected by anything. It’s much much harder to let your emotions back out and fully experience them.
You don’t hide behind a wall if you’re strong. You hide if you’re afraid. The willingness to open yourself up and make yourself vulnerable is a true display of strength.
In Art of Rapport, we talk about a deep rapport story. It’s a story about an event in your life that was particularly painful. Something that at the time, you would have done anything to avoid experiencing. But those are the events that define who we really are.
Some people cry when they tell their deep rapport story. But it’s not a needy, “fix-me” crying. It’s a powerful, “I’ve experienced suffering and I’m a better person for it” crying. It’s about an emotional journey - the hero’s journey. It’s Odysseus, nearly dying and then returning home.
Vulnerability is sexy - it’s the ultimate display of strength.
Your thoughts?