Ask Niels: How do I tell him what I want? March 29, 2007
Posted by Niels in : How to, Other , trackback
I am an attractive, witty, nice, sweet, blah, blah, on and on, twenty eight year old woman who is NOT looking for a relationship. I’m not saying forever, I am just saying for now. Now, I like to socialize. I get my “relationship/companionship†fulfillment from engaging in activities and conversation with both men and women, young and old. I enjoy going to social events and bars to talk with people of all types. However, my charming ways often backfire because it often leads men, (and some women,) to believe that I am looking for something more. This just happens to be who I am. What is the best and most ‘believable’ way for me to tell them I am not looking for anything, without them immediately think that I was hurt in a past relationship and am ‘scared’ to jump back in?
-Misty
Him: It’s fun talking to you!
You: It’s fun talking to you, too!
Him: Let’s grab a cup of coffee sometime!
You: Sure, as long as you’re ok with the fact that I’m not looking for a relationship right now.
It is not your responsibility to prevent someone from asking you for a date. It is only your responsibility to communicate your situation politely and decline politely if the other person is looking for something different. Most people will appreciate hearing this right away. The few who don’t and instead feel the need to psychoanalyze you are insecure whiners who are striking back over a rejection that didn’t even occur and by doing so are making it very clear that they’re not the kind of people you wanted in your life anyway.
So don’t sweat it.
Comments»
let it be
Tell them the TRUTH: You don’t like sex. That should screen out people who are looking for potential sex partners.
Guys, there are plenty of girls like this who are attractive and flirty, but don’t have much of a need for sex. Having a nice conversation with them or getting a phone # is not enough, and most girls will not be as upfront as Misty. You have to actively push the interaction forward to weed them out if you are looking for sex partners.
Well, I like to keep sex in monogamous relationships only. I’ve tried keeping it casual (trust me,) but it often led to strife and misunderstanding on their end. I can cut off emotional attachment for physcial needs without a problem - others not so much, it seems. (I’ve heard from various others that this “would never happen; don’t worry; not me,” and it does, so I’m just done trying to work with that.)
I was only worried because I noticed a lot of “rejection” taken personally, though that is not the case. I go out of my way to decline drinks, dinners and dates or will pick up my end of the tab to prevent any conclusions being formed - but mainly I end up feeling guilty for others sense of insecurity, (especially knowing that I have a tendency of eliciting these kinds of feelings.)
I suppose I will just continue trying to be honest and open regarding my situation, as I have been, and try not to take their reactions so deeply as best I can.
Thank you.
1. It is a rejection.
2. If a girl ever said what you suggested to me, I would laugh in her face and tell her social circle how full of herself she is.* Unless she’s so fabulous that she can really pull saying that off — I’ve probably met about 4 girls in my life that could, and one actually said that to me, despite the fact I wasn’t into her. — she’s just going to come off like a biznatch.
3. It is in part your responsibility (both girls and guys) not to give off interested vibes to people you aren’t interested in. That’s not to say you don’t flirt and it’s not to say you don’t connect on a real level. But you drop subtle hints that you aren’t going for them. That’s only polite. And Misty apparently doesn’t know how to turn off the vibes, so she needs to think about how she can stop sending vibes.
4. Misty _is_ scared to jump back in.
*In part because I would never ask a girl out for coffee, so if I did, I wasn’t asking her on a date.
It is unusual to hear a woman who seriously isn’t looking for a relationship. The funny thing is that when women who say this really meet someone they like this often changes, at least in my experience. But perhaps you are different. I am not looking for a realtionship specifically right now, but if I meet a truely exceptional woman I may chhose to pursue things further after I really get to know her. But while single, I still enjoy meeting and dating women when I get the chance.
Let me guess, your friends tell you that you fear commitment. Even as a guy I get this from both female and male friends. I’m young yet, and don’t want to get tied down to anything unless I really really believe in it.
sounds like someone is stuck on herself.
when you go out, you go out and people expect to socialize. also when you meet people they expect a friendship. Just because a guy/girl as you put it wants to meet for a 2nd date/ drink/ coffee doesnt mean they are thinking marriage.
I think maybe You are reading people the wrong way. I bet you have been stalked a few times too…
Do you really want relationships or friendships only be the first drink/dinner and or coffee? I think you need to rethink the way you are analyzing people. You maybe letting some good friends walk away.
Pour some sugar on me.
Go watch Blades of Glory!
By the way Leah,
I’m just curious as to what the deal with “Stalking” is - eg, stalking seems to be the act of looking up all sorts of information about one person - eg focusing one’s attention perhaps a little too much to an individual. So in effect, celebrities are stalked by photographers and really big number one fans.
On the other hand, when you get into a bad relationship, you wonder to yourself sometimes whether or not you should have dug deeper to find out certain things about a person… which in effect would be like saying “I wish I stalked this person more”.
So … what exactly is the appropriate level of information digging here?
What’s the line between too much and not enough?
I suppose the disturbing thing about stalking is simply that the mystery which surrounds each and every person is unwelcomingly removed.
But I would agree - anyone who believes that they’re being stalked is probably full of themself.
One can simply stop stalking by taking one’s presence OFF THE GRID!
The reason I wanted to come here is because I wanted more unbiased advice. Thank you E, leah and will.
I do not flaunt myself around, however I could not go into great detail in one e-mail of generalization. You are reading a tiny aspect of the situation in whole. I am not saying that I am “all that and a bag of chips.” I am semi-attractive but no where near hot and know it. I have plenty of faults just as anyone else. I am neither picky nor believe I’m full of myself, though you would probably never believe it now. Most of my friends I believe are much more asthetically beautiful than me and many more are more intelligent - however they are all unique and of many diversities.
I was asking for the pure fact of not wanting to appear that way or hurt feelings along the way. This is a problem I’ve had since high school. Friends realize this and do not think I take advantage of the situation or have developed an ego about it. Trust me, I’ve asked. I’ve asked for brutal honesty from those people closest to me but they often just say, “Oh, it’s just you. Just the way you are. Just stay true to you, because that’s why we like you.” But I do not get any advice other than that. Why I came here.
I think those are some archaic reasons in thinking a woman/girl would not like to pursue anything romantic with a man, regardless of age or status. But, as I pointed out, it is just at this moment. I am enjoy singledom, but I do have a lot of obligations at the moment that anyone might not want to have to be “sitting at bay until” I have more time to devote attention that a relationship deserves.
I would love to turn it “off” as suggested, so now I ask you to tell me how. I’d love to take my presence “OFF THE GRID,” but when I try to restrain from being myself I am suddenly standoffish and who wants to socialize with someone like that, romantically or on friendly terms?
I never said anything about stalking - that is a totally different subject.
Thanks again, everyone. I really appreciate any advice or criticism.
Him: It’s fun talking to you!
You: It’s fun talking to you, too!
Him: Let’s grab a cup of coffee sometime!
You: Sure, as long as you’re ok with the fact that I’m not looking for a relationship right now.
Him: $#@* you.
[ this would be a funny conversation, indeed... SNL worthy. ]
Half of the time it is you and the other half it is the man. I have met women before which they thought men are always interested.
Another popular strategy, talk about the guy your dating. You can easily tell if they want to hang out or not…
Half of the time it is you and the other half it is the man. I have met women before which they thought men are always interested.
Another popular strategy, talk about the guy your dating. You can easily tell if they want to hang out or not…
misty- your post came across off as I am sooo attractive that when someone i dont know talks to me, and then i talk to them back they automatically think I am interested and want more. how do I not reject people?
thats how I read it, and it is how it came across.
you are giving the wrong impression. and maybe people are reading you the wrong way. and maybe vice versa!
Thank you, Leah. But, I don’t think I am going to get any suggestions here, most likely, because of the same perspective you read into first. At this point, no one is going to read anything but a first impression and I, seemingly, gave a bad one.
Perhaps I need to re-word my situation. I am honestly not trying to portray this notion - but I don’t have an essay to give, and Niels didn’t give my entire e-mail in the initia inquiry.
Thanks agian.
Misty
LOL, most of the replies here betray such misogyny!
Misty, I don’t you came across badly at all. I think it’s just the losers who are projecting their insecurities and failures on to you.
NLU
ha…thanks NLU. i’m still having the same problem only difference is now I”m 29…
Thanks again, sweets. I’ve just learned to continue to decline when that friendship line appears to be crossing over to anything more, though I’ve lost good friendships over that…
But were they real friendships to begin with? How long did these guys harbour a wish for things to be romantic / physical?
On my end they were. Most said since they first met me, even though they didn’t say it or show it because they thought, given time, I would “change.”
Fun, huh?