Ask Niels: How do I get into a social mood? March 19, 2007
Posted by Niels in : How to, Other , trackback
Anyways, I was at a party last night and had one of the worst “performances” of my life. Like you, I’m an introvert, but I’m usually pretty friendly and talkative at the parties I’ve been going to lately. Mostly, that’s because I’m already friendly with most of the people there, but I’ve also put more effort into being deliberately social. Last night, however, I just froze and hardly said anything until warming up a bit at the end, and I have no doubt that it was obvious to everyone there… pretty embarrassing!
Do you have any advice about “snapping out of it” or forcing yourself to be social when you just don’t feel like it?
Thanks!
chris
I’m going to go out on a limb here - I’m willing to bet that you showed up at that party by yourself. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but if you show up and you’re all in your own head, it’s hard to break out of that and be social. So here’s the key - make sure you’re in a social mood BEFORE you arrive at the party. It’s why people pre-party. (Or was that only at my college?) If you go to a party with a bunch of your friends, you’re already social and ready to talk by the time you get there.
When I go out to bars with students, I make them do warmups on the street. Ask people for the time or for directions. Just 5-second conversations, but they get you out of your head and ready to talk to strangers. If you can’t find people to warm up with on the street, warm up as soon as you get to the party. Talk to the bouncer/host/door guy. Walk inside and talk to the first people you see. It doesn’t have to be long, just ask them if they’re having fun tonight, or how the party is. Don’t “force” yourself to be social. Just trick yourself into a social mood and let things flow.
Comments»
Hmm, maybe he was just tired or not in the mood for a party(you know how don’t really feel like going somewhere, but you said you would, so you go anyway).
Denise,
if you have that problem, you can get in a good mood by
1 listening to uplifting, high-energy, kick-ass music. I like Beyonce’s ‘one night only’
2 Smiling
3 Having cool friends around before you go out
Some people pre-party and then come fashionably late.
It is so much cooler that way because you have a potentially bigger entrance since more people got there before you did…
What is pre-party, I still don’t understand it? I don’t party, so I don’t know much about these things.
Pre-party is when people get together before going to the actual party. Most people will start drinking at home to save money before heading out.
All the advices given are solid. Let me add a few more. To get in the social mood, you can do 3 things:
1. Approach the first group of person you see when you get to that party. It forces you not to think about yourself.
2. Use any kind of playful openers until your mood change. Using playful openers force your state to switch to a fun and social one.
3. If you are really stuck in a bad state, step outside and change your body posture. When you are not in the social mood, your body slouches because you feel bad about yourself. Instead, do something extravagant. You can look up to the ceiling and grin from cheek to cheek and hold it for a min. The simple fact of smiling like an idiot will force your brain to change your state. If you want to try other things: jump up and down, run in the air on the same spot.. You can do whatever you can think of to get your body to send new signals to your brain. Your brain will adopt the new mental state that your body motion triggered.
Good luck!
Khiem - I like your advice. I don’t think I would start drinking at home though. If a person starts drinking at home then drives to a party they could get pulled over and arrested for drunk driving even if they’ve only had a little over the limit, and if a person shows up at a party and they’ve obviously already been drinking I would wonder if they’re an alcoholic.
That is what Taxis are for.
Smart, Confident Guy - a taxi can get expensive, so if you’re drinking at home to save money then taking a taxi to go out you’re kind of defeating the purpose of drinking at home.
Denise: Your response does not surprise me at all. In fact, I was expecting it. As much as I’d like to go through the logistics of prepartying, I’ll just say that the purpose of prepartying at someone’s house is not to get smashed but rather, to get oneself in a “social” mood before one goes to the main event. If you have friends, you guys can split up the cost of the taxi and you guys end up making an entrance.
Taxi: Maybe $20 one way.
Avoiding a DUI and a motor vehicle accident? Priceless.
I know getting smashed is not the purpose, but if someone came to a party and had already been drinking, if I didn’t really know them I would have to wonder about them, and it doesn’t take getting smashed to get arrested, one point over the limit will do it, especially if an officer hasn’t met his monthly quota, those guys will pull you over and arrested you for anything. $20 is still a bit much, maybe take the bus instead.
We called it pregaming at Rutgers. Either way, it accomplishes MANY THINGS…
1. for those who like to drink, it provides a way to save money. instead of paying for drinks at a bar, just buy a bottle and mix some drinks at home for 1/3 the price. you can spend the rest on pizza and a cab after the bar. ohh… and
1b. if you have some leftover alchohol, you can throw an after-party
2. it provides a way for people to gather on a very flexible time frame. say you want to go to the bar at 11. you can pregame from 9-11, and people who want to arrive late 10:30 can do so with no pressure.
3. it gets you into a social mood… ESPECIALLY if you’re the one throwing the pre-game, you’ll be forced to socialize with people just as they come through the door
4. it’ll provide social proof as you lead (see other topic) a group of high-energy people into the bar or club
5. it’ll allow women to be more comfortable at your house. “I’m having a bunch of friends over to pregame” will make a woman feel more comfortable than saying “let’s get together at my house and drink.”
once they’re comfortable with your house, they’ll be A LOT more likely to come back.
This should be a good enough reason to pregame. Now go get ‘em!
See? Actives gets it.
You can easily have one or two beers and/or a shot or two and still be sober.
If I am going out to a bar or party, specifiacally to socialize and meet women, I prefer to not drink more than a couple drinks. It keeps me sharper that way and I’ll be less likely to take things too far that way. Once I have made some good connections and feel comfortable, I may be more inclined to have a bit more.
This is new for me though and I am still trying to get out of my college lifestyle of getting smashed every weekend. It was not only bad for my game but bad for my life in general.
Yeahh, listen to some good music …but ANYTHING BUT beyonce ..please…thank you
to the left, to the left…
oh you guys are a barrel of laughs :D