Ask Niels: Why do people treat me like I’m stupid? March 9, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Beauty and the Geek, How to, Other , trackback
I know you are getting like 5,000000 messages from girls & it must be getting tiresome… but I just really wanted your advice on something.. I want to learn how to transform myself so people don’t think I am stupid & will respect me more, like the girls on the show learned.. do you have any advice on this? Oh & if you don’t have time to answer I completely understand!!!
-Valerie
This past season of Beauty and the Geek was about first impressions, and that’s where your problem lies. People jump to conclusions quickly based on a first impression. We have to. Years of evolution bred survival instincts into us. The faster you realized that the chimpanzee with a stick was dangerous, the more likely you were to survive.
Whether or not it’s fair, the first impression you make governs the way people treat you. The way you walk, the way you dress, the way you talk - all these things and more affect the assumptions people make about you. I get better reactions when I approach a stranger with a smile on my face. Imagine that!
We sometimes have men come through our workshop who are extremely physically attractive, but still socially awkward. The process is especially painful for them, because everyone they meet expects them to be really social and outgoing, just because they’re good looking.
So if people treat you like you’re stupid, if you want more respect, examine the way you dress, the way you talk, the way you behave. Do you wear clothes that are inappropriate for the occasion? Perhaps people assume you’re all body and no brains. Do you say “like” all the time? Have you stopped reading books that expand your vocabulary? The way you talk says a lot about you.
Take a step back and ask yourself what image you’re presenting to the world. People jump to conclusions about you for a reason, and if you can find it, you can fix it.
Comments»
OMG, I know exactly how she feels. Sometimes people see my wheelchair and start talking to me very slowly and loudly which is very annoying and I know it’s terrible, but I do it back to them(it’s my way of saying “knock it off moron”).
Denise,
One day, when I was spending some time with a friend of mine who is wheelchair-bound, he was addressed in the same condescending manner.
He sized up the lady, and told her:
“I’m in a wheelchair because my leg’s don’t work, not because I’m fucking stupid. Don’t speak to me like a child.”
The entire coffee house went silent, and then everyone started clapping.
Give it a try sometime — being direct is often a much better policy. Subtle hints are often lost of the general populace.
X
X - They get it, trust me. I once had this lady ask me why I was talking so loud so I said, “well you were talking loud so I thought you were hearing impaired”. It’s funny, people always ask me what adult daycare center I belong to and I tell them I don’t, then they ask me what I do all day and I tell them I have a job, well judging from their reaction you would think I just told them I cured cancer.
ur cute
Yeah, the way people talk, dress, and look are always being used to judge people for first impressions. It sucks. What if you just naturally look ugly? What if your vocabulary is limited because you never were challenged when growing up and lived in a poor family and neighborhood? What if you are just naturally stupid (as in your brain just isn’t as quick as others)? It is really hard to change yourself when certain forces in the universe just will not let you change. What do you have to say about this? Too bad for these people? People will always pass judgements on someone in a wheelchair. Should they learn how to walk to fix this negative first impression? Or is it just too bad for them too?
Nevermind. Just ignore what I said. It was stupid to bring up these questions.
people are leaving your fan groups on facebook.
://
they were never true fans anyway.
(like me…and lauren hee hee)
the tra-la-la song is the song on my myspace…like you care.
and i was going to tell you about some funky letters at the top of the page there but they are gone.
Oh well lol Niels still has lots of friends on facebook.. 800 something.
Anonymous - These are good questions, maybe Niels has never thought about these things because he’s never had to deal with them, so don’t be so hard on him.
To Anonymous -
God grant me the serenity to
Accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And the Wisdom to know the difference.
Yes, some people have certain limitations. Yes, they will often be judged unfairly. Yes, it sucks, and life’s not fair. But you can either complain that life is unfair or you can do the best you can with what you’ve got.
Valerie really needs some self-respect. She apologized TWICE in that one paragraph when it wasn’t necessary. People sense these things. People respect strong people.
One of the things that helps me is that I’m always participating in at least one activity I enjoy. I’ve been in music groups, played poker, played various sports and studied martial arts.
These activities keep my energy up, and they keep me social. They also allow me to always have something to talk about. Most importantly, they make me feel good when participating. They make me feel great when I’m at a respectable level.
Activities are definitely a great confidence builder, source of motivation and just a good way to keep moving. This is your cornerstone for personal, social success. And the dressing, walking, talking and such come naturally once you respect yourself and believe you deserve to be treated well.
So yeah… self-respect is THE place to start. Next comes commanding respect and just how you interact with people, in general.
Niels - very well said my dear. I think the problem is that unfortunately a lot of people with disabilities have learned helplessness so they don’t do the best they can with what they have and that puts a stereotype on the rest of us who do. Life can be unfair and it does suck sometimes, but being in this type of situation allows me to seperate the decent people from the not so decent ones, unfortunately I don’t run into too many decent people. I was talking to this guy online one time through a dating service and he got mad at me because I didn’t tell him I had a disability, I didn’t think I had to because my pictures clearly show my wheelchair and he said he looked at my them, so he says to me, “hey that’s not fair, you didn’t tell me you were disabled”, so I said to him, “well you didn’t tell me you were stupid so we’re even”.
“We sometimes have men come through our workshop who are extremely physically attractive, but still socially awkward. The process is especially painful for them, because everyone they meet expects them to be really social and outgoing, just because they’re good looking.”
I’m exactly in this situation. I am at a point where :
- people i think that a guy like me cannot have problems (interesting and well paid job, good looking, nice, funny). They assume i have a lot of friends, they assume that i could find love sitting here and waiting. So that i can’t talk about my problems : they simply accuse me to make no effort.
- my lonelyness comes to a point that i doubt about the mean of talking to people. What the point ? What should be pleasant ? i speak with so few people that i don’t know what a ‘natural’ conversation is anymore and how to have one. i don’t know what to say, i don’t know how to react. Now it’s so unpleasant to me that a deep reflex makes me avoid chatting with people.
I have some (very few) friends who i talk to without any problem. I have theses - 2nd point actually - difficulties only with people i know little or not at all, but enough to prevent me finding new friends.
But that’s the first part of the problem. My difficulties to talk to people makes me think that i am boring, i have lost my self confidence, even with good friend and i fear to ask them to have a drink. I fear they refuse or they accept just for being nice (that could lead to negative opinions about me). It’s irrational, because i know that it’s probably not what they would think, but i can’t get over and call them. At the last time, i give up and stay alone.
It’s getting worse every day, I don’t know what to do .
Anonymous Coward - it sounds like you may have an anxiety disorder, possibly social phobia or a form of agoraphobia. I would suggest some counseling. If it is anxiety you may need medication. Don’t worry, lots of people have this, with a little help you’ll be fine.
Denise,
I don’t know how i can thank you. I read some documents and testimonies about social phobia, and as far as i can see, you got the point. Now i have a reason, the disorder, and it’s recognized. Good things are that i am not deeply affected, and i still have some friends, two things that will surely help me. And i’m still young, i may be cured soon enough to enjoy the remainder of my youth — i can’t say i liked it until these days.
I just discovered and realized that the past hour, i don’t know what i feel yet. It’s a disorder, and it will be difficult and long to cure. But it gives me hope, the long dark tunnel may finally have a end. I would not imagine that one hour ago.
Now, i’ll go to bed, and tomorrow will be the beginning of the fight.
thanks, and keep on the good work nielshoven.com team !
Anonymous Coward - you’re welcome sweetie, now go get some help so you can get on with the rest of your life, it will really help if you can talk to a trained professional about how to deal with this and overcome it. Also, join a support group, there are many people like you out there, you are not alone. Good luck and while you’re at it, work on your self esteem, you are not a coward, you are an average person with some problems, just like the rest of us. If you would like someone to talk to, contact me on myspace(just click on my name on here and it will take you to my profile).
I like what Denise has to say. She always has good things to say. Sorry Tambo, I think l like Denise better than you..hahahaha.
I can understand what anonymous coward is going through. I went through something similar and got professional help. I was only 16 and got the courage to just admit that I had a problem and seek help. It is really hard talking to a doctor who is a complete stranger to you, but it becomes normal over time. The only thing that sucks is that a psychiatrist can only assume how you feel, and doesn’t really know what you are truly going through. I also think that putting people on Prozac, Zoloft, etc. to try and cure every person with anxiety is lame. I wish that there was a way to figure out which part of the brain is really suffering and give medication to that part of the brain only. That is just a dream though. The brain is so complex and not a lot is known about it. Props to Society for Neuroscience. You guys make the world a better place.
About the God saying in the above comment: Some people go through a crisis of faith. They aren’t sure if God really exists. They wonder why God lets people suffer. They wonder why God made such imperfect people with so many flaws. They wonder why he just can’t come down from whereever he is and just fix peoples’ problems. People go through this and don’t react well to God talk. Just speaking reality.
Anonymous - It’s true that psychiatrists don’t really know how a person is feeling, that’s why we have support groups, psychiatrists help the person deal with their disorder, the support group helps the person deal with their specific issues. I’m not all that crazy about using medication for anxiety either, it may take awhile to find the right one, but medication does help a person with panic attacks. Here’s how I see the whole God thing. I don’t think God is responsible for our problems, it’s Satan. For example, I don’t blame God for my disability, Satan did this to me. Since day one God and Satan have been at war and unfortunately we’re caught in the middle of it, Satan is using us to get back at God. It’s true that God should be able to just fix all our problems, God can do anything, but we are human, we have limitations, and God has to work within those limitations and besides that if God did just fix us some human, probably a doctor, would get the credit for it, things aren’t the way they were back in biblical times.