It’s not your height, or your hair, or your glasses… February 19, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Links, Other , 8 comments
My friend Eric at ApproachAnxiety.com had a recent post about physical limitations in dating and pickup. He included a moving passage from Short Person Support:
All men, at some point in life, get hurt. The majority of men get rejected. Most men get turned down by women, or left by women. Most men get rejected by a potential employer. All men struggle, at some point in life, in some way, irrespective of their height. Life is a struggle. Chances are however, if you are a short man, your shortness will be the reason you attribute to every attempt that you fail, and every hurt that you feel. The reason for this is simple. At some point in your history, your height was the reason that something went wrong. And after that, it was the easiest thing to blame. It may have stopped you asking the real questions that you should have been asking yourself. You were blinded by your height. But you were crippled, helpless, because your height was the one thing you couldn’t change.
People who feel helpless cannot help themselves, because, well, they are helpless. They are isolated, alone. And the short man, faced with this predicament, in a world in which he cannot speak about his problem, can become his own worst enemy. Introversion and self doubt set in. The short man can find himself locked in a prison, largely of his own making, though not through his own fault. The short man can only start the process of self fulfillment, and of liberation, when he can face the fact that other factors may have been involved. Bizarrely enough, he may have to start questioning himself on many other, more legitimate levels.
It’s so easy to blame your shortcomings on things you have no control over. “It’s worthless to try to improve myself because I’m too short to get the women I want.” “Men will never appreciate me because I’m so tall.” We come up with all kinds of creative excuses to avoid doing that which we fear - taking a good look at our own shortcomings and actively working to improve them.
I’ve worked with a student whose face, despite several surgeries, remained “unusual”-looking. And he had more heart and more balls than anyone else I’ve ever worked with. He approached girls in situations that would have intimidated instructors and ended up in great conversations. He’s my hero, and if I hear anyone blaming their relationship problems on being too short or too bald, I’m going to punch them in the face.
Your thoughts?Ask Niels: How do I build an emotional connection? February 19, 2007
Posted by Niels in : How to, Other , 16 comments
Hello Niels,
I seem to do fine getting phone numbers and getting first dates. However, it seems like after I meet a girl for coffee or a drink, they never want to see me again. Usually I come away thinking “That went pretty good, she’s cool, I want to see her again,” and then I call a couple days later, and get denied. This has happened five times in a row now! I wonder if if something about my personality is turning girls off. Any advice, or is my question too vague?
-Moe from California
If you’re getting dates, then you’re getting girls attracted to you. Good for you! Many guys never even get that far. But after attraction, she needs to see that there’s something more to you. She’s looking for some depth.
Some people in the dating community advise men to “be mysterious”. Those people will never experience the satisfaction of emotional intimacy.
The point of a date is to build a connection. That comes from discovering things you guys have in common. Most people are terrible at this:
Where are you from? India? Oh, I’m from Chicago. Do you have any siblings? Oh, you’re an only child. I’ve got a brother. What kind of music do you like? Punk? Hmm… I like classical.
But you have to keep trying right? Maybe eventually you’ll hit something…
You like sandwiches?! I like sandwiches! That’s amazing, we have so much in common!
Ouch. Like 99% of guys, you’re stuck in a worthless, logical conversation. Don’t fall into that trap. It’s great for small talk and vibing, as I mentioned in How to Keep a Conversation Going. But when you really want to connect with someone, you need to look for something more. Look for emotional commonalities.
If the person you’re getting to know says, “I like art,” the appropriate response is NOT to talk about art. The appropriate response is something like, “That’s awesome! I’m passionate about curling!” You’re not talking about art. You’re talking about love and passion. Maybe you don’t like art. Maybe you’ve never wanted to visit a cousin in Australia. But everyone is passionate about something, and everyone has once been far away from someone they cared about. All of a sudden, you guys have more in common than you realized.
It’s not easy to do this. It means you actually have to understand whomever you’re talking to. And you can’t fake it. But that’s where true intimacy starts.
Your thoughts?Should I tell a girl I like her? (direct vs. indirect) February 18, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Other , 28 comments
There is an ongoing debate (and probably always will be) in the pickup community about the merits of “direct” and “indirect” approaches. Some people say only a real man has the confidence to make his intentions known from the beginning. Others say that women are so used to being hit on that this will never work, so you need to sneak past their radar indirectly. My opinion is a little different. I think you need both, and neither.
But first, some definitions. A direct approach is one in which you state your interest explicitly. “Hi, I saw you, I thought you were cute, and I wanted to meet you.” An indirect approach is one in which you approach with some excuse other than your interest in the woman. “Hey, what’s good to eat here?”
The ridiculous of this distinction should be immediately apparent, mainly because women are about 1000 times more socially savvy than you are and will immediately realize you are hitting on them, no matter what sorry excuse you come up with. Actually, the sad truth is that any time you start a conversation with a stranger, they will assume you are hitting on them. (This has become particularly apparent to me, as I start conversations with strangers whenever I’m waiting around for anything and have gotten several numbers from men as a result.)
A much better distinction than direct vs. indirect is sincere vs. playful. A direct approach (”You’re so cute.”) can be either sincere or playful, depending on your voice tonality and your body language. And both versions are effective. An indirect approach can also be sincere or playful, though if you’re planning on flirting, you better be playful. A sincere indirect approach just leads to a boring conversation about whatever excuse you used to start the conversation.
So what about the playful vs. sincere debate? Well, neither one is better than the other, they’re just better suited for different environments. In a high-energy environment like a bar or a party, be playful. Be the life of the party. But in a low-energy environment like a coffeeshop, be sincere. I don’t want to see you wandering around the library going, “HEY! WHO LIES MORE, GUYS OR GIRLS!”
But in the end, you need both. And not just so you can pick up a girl anytime, any place. Relationships need both. No matter how playfully the relationship began, at some point you will need to get real and build an emotional connection. So be sincere. And the spark will eventually disappear from even the most passionate relationship unless you remember to flirt with your girl everyday. So be playful.
Sure, you can make do without playfulness. In fact, most couples I know aren’t willing to put the effort in to flirt with each other every day. And you can get laid without sincerity - just look at some of the hidden camera pickups you see on the web. But it’s only after you’re comfortable with both ends of the spectrum that your relationships will reach their full potential.
Your thoughts?I was tricked by the “Gaia” clothing donation cult February 17, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Life, the universe, and everything, Links , 4 comments
For the past month or so, I’ve been getting rid of my excess clothing and shoes, in an attempt to streamline my existence. I’ve donated some stuff to Goodwill and Out of the Closet, but for sheer convenience I’ve thrown the bulk into a green dropoff bin located down the street from me. It was maintained by “Gaia” (aka “Gala”) aka “Campus California TG”.
A week ago, the clothing donation bin disappeared. I, of course, turned to the internet and learned that the so-called Gaia boxes are connected to the Tvind (aka “The Teachers Group”) cult, currently under heavy investigation in Europe.
Well, damn.
Like all the scam websites that went up after 9-11 and Hurricane Katrina, these bins put things in perspective for me. I’m as interested as the next guy in getting rich, but if I don’t honestly believe my work is making the world a better place, then it’s not worth doing.
Your thoughts?Ask Niels: I’m scared to call (a phone game tutorial) February 16, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Other , 4 comments
Recently a crush from my past has entered back into my life. He’s great and I really like him, but I am incredibly shy around him. He called me last weekend, but I was ill and couldn’t do anything. I finally got the guts to call him on Wednesday, and he told me that Saturday would be a good night to hang out. He asked me to call him on Saturday and I am terrified. I don’t know what to say or anything. Do you have any suggestions for my dilemma? I know you probably get an unbelievable amount of comments and mail daily, but I’d really appreciate your input. :)
-Emily
I recently placed a call that was one of the worst phone performances of my life. I was in a rush, so I just picked up the phone and dialed, and almost immediately realized I had no idea what I was going to say. Of course the conversation tanked and I felt like an idiot.
I felt like an idiot because the solution is so simple, and I’d done it a thousand times before. The solution is to know what you’re going to say before you dial. It doesn’t take much, just something to inject some energy into the first minute of the conversation. Once you get the ball rolling, conversation is easy. It’s overcoming that initial inertia that’s tricky. So plan for it. Before you call, think of something interesting that happened to you recently, something that you can get excited about when you call. If you get excited, your friend will get excited, and the conversation will flow naturally.
For example:
You: Hi John, it’s Emily!
Him: Hi, Emily, how’s it going? (they always ask this)
You: GREAT! I was at the supermarket this afternoon and I bought a jar of Fluffernutter! It’s peanut butter and marshmallow all together in one! I’m pretty sure it’s going to be disgusting, but I had to try it!…
That’s it. Let the conversation flow, and as soon as the energy starts to die, set up the date and get off the phone. And if you really want to nail it down, you can even make a few practice calls to a friend first.
Your thoughts?