I bought The Rules February 24, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Dating coach, Personal , 8 comments
Although I find the most of the book’s message unacceptably manipulative, I just ordered myself a copy of All the Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right
There’s been a lot of talk about The Rules, both good and bad. My suspicion, to be confirmed upon receipt of my copy, is that the book is probably like much of the advice out there already - bad advice with a kernel of truth behind it.
For example: “Never accept a date for the weekend after Tuesday.” Applied blindly, it’s a manipulative rule designed to make yourself a scarce commodity. But the underlying message is that you should fill your life with activities that you’re passionate about. Don’t plan your life around your dates. Live your own adventure and plan your dates around your life.
Your thoughts?Ask Niels: How do I turn a friend into a lover? February 23, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Ask Niels, Dating coach , 31 comments
There is a girl I’ve known for about a year now, we TA’d a class together last year. At first I wasn’t that interested but over time I started to really like her. We were both kind of shy and awkward around each other, but the problem was that it just seemed more like a “business” relationship. Anyway that’s over now, I still see her at college a bit as we are in the same department, but I’m not sure what I should try and do now. I hear all the time that if you miss the first chance you should just forget it and move on, but is there any way I can make this work?
-Sean
Here’s what you DON’T want to do. Don’t just go and confess your feelings. If she’s not already attracted to you, telling her how you feel isn’t going to change her mind. The soul-baring confession to a girl who’s not attracted to you is what leads to this conversation:
“Oh, I’m sorry. You’re such a nice guy! You’re going to make some girl so happy and you’re going to be the most amazing boyfriend ever. Not for me, of course, but for some other girl!”
I’ve talked before about how attraction is instant. When you see a hot girl, you know right away that she’s attractive. You don’t have to go home and think about it. You say you weren’t interested in this girl before, but I’m willing to bet that you thought she was cute from the first second you met. What took time was getting to know her and beginning to see the possibility of relationship potential.
Attraction is also instant for girls. I’m speaking in generalities, of course, so there are exceptions, but for the most part, a woman knows from the first second she meets you whether you have any chance of ever sleeping with her, or whether you’ll be “just friends” forever.
Occasionally, though, you’ll get a second chance to make a first impression. That happens when your second impression is so powerful that she has to reevaluate her first impression. “Oh, this guy is sexier than I realized…” This happens with our students all the time. They take a workshop with us, go back to their old lives but as a new person, and everyone who knows them has to come to terms with how attractive they’ve suddenly become.
Flirt more. With her, but with everyone else, too. Stun her with how much other people enjoy being around you. Force her to reevaluate her first impression of you and therefore your relationship. Touch her when you talk to her. Touch other people when you talk to them. Carry yourself powerfully - don’t slouch. Lead others.
And finally, learn to open yourself up emotionally. Deep rapport is all about stripping away life’s BS and connecting with someone on the rawest emotional level. And once you’ve done that with someone, the relationship has to change. It simply cannot stay the same. But that’s a topic for a future post.
Your thoughts?Vegas, baby! February 22, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Beauty and the Geek, Personal , 23 comments
Vegas started a little slow. It took me four hours to get from the airport into my hotel room. But I somehow scored a suite at the Frontier for $50 a night, so I can’t complain too much.
I was the first person to arrive in town, so I spent Tuesday seeing how rusty my poker skills had become. Pretty rusty. I made a few bucks, but damn, I’m out of practice.
Last night, of course, was our party at Tao. Scooter, Jennylee, Nate, Nadia, and myself all made it. Cecille was planning on coming, but apparently after the last few episodes she’s not really friends with anyone anymore. I wish we had a bigger turnout, but it was just good to see everyone again. And Tao was so much fun! I’ve never been a VIP before. We had amazing food, a private viewing party, people saying “hi” to me all night… Now I’ve just got one day to recover before I arrive in LA for more bar hopping. Whew!
Your thoughts?Video: Hidden camera pickup February 21, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Dating coach, Personal , 27 comments
The smart, successful, intelligent, sexy people you want in your life are not out partying at bars every night. But they’ve got to go grocery shopping sometime! And contrary to popular belief, it’s easy to meet people during the day. It just boils down to one central tenet: Don’t be creepy.
The best part of meeting people during the day is that there’s no competition. Who’s confident enough to walk up to a complete stranger in broad daylight and start a conversation? No one… except me. And my students, of course. Pickup 101’s Art of Rapport is all about meeting people during the daytime and then making an emotional connection. It’s about opening your soul, breaking down those walls, and stripping away the layers of BS that you’ve used for years to cut yourself off from other people. It’s not just about sex. It’s about emotional intimacy, and that’s a learnable skill.
Your thoughts?Ask Niels: Should I stop ignoring the girl I like? February 21, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Ask Niels, Dating coach , 9 comments
Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that Valentine’s Day just passed, but I’ve gotten a flurry of “I like my friend, what should I do?” questions. So that’s going to be the theme over this next week. First up: What to do about a missed opportunity?
I know this girl who i go to school with. Shes loud,crazy,sporty and an exciting person who says whatever she has on her mind. I am an individual who is quiet,shy, and tend to be less social having no friends that are girls. She started flirting with me last year, teasing me with attention, and even jokely said I love you to me. But this year she seems to not even to talk to me or glance at me. I usually pass her in the hall but I am afraid to approach her, of course the obvious problem of not knowing what to say or keep the conversation going. I’m not the kind of guy you think would go up and start a conversation with a girl with. But I honestly dont know what to do now. I been kind of ignoring her, and being afraid for the past couple of months. So what do you think are the best actions that should be taken to put myself in a better situation?
-The Shy Guy
Hey Shy Guy – Get ready for some tough love. Are you ready? Brace yourself, because here it comes. You are not going to get this girl.
The biggest reason you’re not going to get this girl is because you have no friends who are girls. You need the experience of interacting with women on a platonic level before you can succeed with them on a romantic level. Even if I had some magic suggestion to instantly throw you two into a relationship together, you don’t have the experience to sustain it. You can’t jump from little league straight into the majors.
To make matters worse, this girl put herself on the line for you. She made herself vulnerable, extended her hand to you, and you’ve thrown it in her face by ignoring her. Girls don’t understand how difficult it is for a guy to muster up the courage to talk to them. All she knows is how rejected she feels.
You can remedy the situation, though. You can improve yourself so this never happens again. There are people out there who will tell you, “Ok, you’re quiet, you’re shy, don’t change. Be yourself and eventually someone will appreciate you for you.” As I mentioned in my post When Liking Yourself is a Load of Crap, I think that’s a recipe for unhappiness.
Work hard to become the best version of yourself you can be. Maybe you’re a little shy around new people, but I bet there are times when you’re around your close friends and you just relax and come to life. That’s your true personality, and with practice you can present that personality from the very first second when you meet a stranger.
The first step to the new you is expanding your social circle. Learn to relate to other people, learn to build and maintain strong friendships, and start hanging out with female friends. You can do it, and it all starts by saying, “Hi.” Check out my post I’m Scared to Talk to a Stranger.
Your thoughts?