Ask Niels: Should I stop ignoring the girl I like? February 21, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Other , trackback
Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that Valentine’s Day just passed, but I’ve gotten a flurry of “I like my friend, what should I do?” questions. So that’s going to be the theme over this next week. First up: What to do about a missed opportunity?
I know this girl who i go to school with. Shes loud,crazy,sporty and an exciting person who says whatever she has on her mind. I am an individual who is quiet,shy, and tend to be less social having no friends that are girls. She started flirting with me last year, teasing me with attention, and even jokely said I love you to me. But this year she seems to not even to talk to me or glance at me. I usually pass her in the hall but I am afraid to approach her, of course the obvious problem of not knowing what to say or keep the conversation going. I’m not the kind of guy you think would go up and start a conversation with a girl with. But I honestly dont know what to do now. I been kind of ignoring her, and being afraid for the past couple of months. So what do you think are the best actions that should be taken to put myself in a better situation?
-The Shy Guy
Hey Shy Guy – Get ready for some tough love. Are you ready? Brace yourself, because here it comes. You are not going to get this girl.
The biggest reason you’re not going to get this girl is because you have no friends who are girls. You need the experience of interacting with women on a platonic level before you can succeed with them on a romantic level. Even if I had some magic suggestion to instantly throw you two into a relationship together, you don’t have the experience to sustain it. You can’t jump from little league straight into the majors.
To make matters worse, this girl put herself on the line for you. She made herself vulnerable, extended her hand to you, and you’ve thrown it in her face by ignoring her. Girls don’t understand how difficult it is for a guy to muster up the courage to talk to them. All she knows is how rejected she feels.
You can remedy the situation, though. You can improve yourself so this never happens again. There are people out there who will tell you, “Ok, you’re quiet, you’re shy, don’t change. Be yourself and eventually someone will appreciate you for you.” As I mentioned in my post When Liking Yourself is a Load of Crap, I think that’s a recipe for unhappiness.
Work hard to become the best version of yourself you can be. Maybe you’re a little shy around new people, but I bet there are times when you’re around your close friends and you just relax and come to life. That’s your true personality, and with practice you can present that personality from the very first second when you meet a stranger.
The first step to the new you is expanding your social circle. Learn to relate to other people, learn to build and maintain strong friendships, and start hanging out with female friends. You can do it, and it all starts by saying, “Hi.” Check out my post I’m Scared to Talk to a Stranger.
Comments»
awww, personally i have to admit i have a soft spot for shy guys :), but I can see how one year you see someone and its like you guys are great friends and banter back and forth and then the next year its almost like strangers. Summer vacations without contact can do that :-\. I don’t know exactly if she was feeling rejection? I know that I joke with many of my guy friends like that not wanting or expecting anything or any move in return. My fellow female friends and I aren’t the type to be big flirts at least not realizing if we are, but sometimes it’s hard for us to differentiate our genuine friendly outgoing tendency to “banter” with actual flirting- sometimes for me it does run into flirting. It’s nice to have a sort of relationship with a friend on that level, it’s fun teasing and going back and forth- it’s even better when you get a shy person to open up and be more of their innerselves that doesn’t come out all that often. I agree with niels though about the you need more interaction with females on that friend level, it breaks the ice :). Coming from a person who once never said a word to really anyone, I highly suggest getting involved in whatever clubs or teams you might even be slightly interested in. Hey if your interested why not? It’s a way to meet other people and gradually become more comfortable opening up to these new people. It wasn’t until my sophomore year that I took off socially, and now I love going up to new people and feel confident that people see me as friendly and easy to talk to. So mr. shy guy, if you see this girl at all still, I’d try to reconnect with her, you remember times you felt good around her, be like “hey it’s been too long we should get together sometime, catch up” or what you think might sound ice breaking worthy to you. Yeah you probably won’t have the relationship you initially wanted with her but she’d be the start of working to be a better “version of yourself”… Idk sounds like a good beginning to me?
Hey, i’m so sorry i’m late! My boss was totally me back at work…. Hey Niels, here to say wussup.
ur cute
Shy guy, I’ve been there before. It sucks, but you will learn a lot from these types of experiences. A summer apart can change things between people if there was not a really strong connection and no contact over that time.
I met a really cool girl about a week and a half before the end of my college semester. We hit it off well and even had one amazing night together the day before I left for home. I called her up a couple times, and talked to her on instant messenger, but when school started up again in the fall I could not seem to find a way to meet up with her again.
I think you should at least try to talk to her again though. Don’t ask her out or anything, just say “hi, it’s been a while how have you been?” I almost think it’s rude not to. I think you need to get over your fear of talking to this girl. Don’t expect anything, but don’t be afriad to talk to someone you want to talk to either.
Just a warning to you. DO NOT obsess over this one girl. It will only do you harm in the long run. Now go out and meet some new women!
Shy guy~
I’ve been in the girl’s shoes…
I’ve like(d) a shy guy and openly have flirted with him…. (but he flirted back… anyways!) nothing ever came out of it.
If I had a friendly like that… I think I would want him to say hi to me and ask me how I was doing. I guess are you afraid of rejection? If I was in the girl’s shoes… I’d like to hear from you that you missed me but didn’t know how to talk to me. I guess I’d just like the truth. I don’t know what Niels would have to say to that.
An honest conversation is good..
(Anyways I was a shy girl… but now I’m an outgoing nerdy girl.. hmm)
Hey guys, thanks for commenting on my situation. I have a basic understanding of what to do now. But this girl is exactly opposite of me but still even after a couple of months of not paying attention, she still shows signs of liking me. I’m not sure but when a girl stands about two inches away from you also trying to touch you and purposely wastes time after class so she can follow you or walk very close to you, maybe she still has a thing for me..? I know I shouldn’t obsess over one girl but I would rather a platonic relationship with her at least making an “attempt”. She plays soccer and I see her sometimes at soccer practice near the field at my house so I guess have a conversation about that with her? Any other suggestions or comments ?
well she obviously likes you for you, so just be yourself… see what she’s been up to- maybe go to a game of hers and cheer her on! and then afterwards meet up with her… there is def going to be much to talk about, like that assisted goal she made- or the defense she held or the way she attacked the ball as offense… that is if you dont mind or enjoy soccer… i think of niels saying this but… if its something she’s def passionate about then use that to get into what your passionate about- this is if she doesnt already know that. But general convo just to break the ice and reconnect. Some extrovert girls do find attraction to the guys who are introverts… obviously “opposites attract” only works for some, but in this situation it seems to working for her- but the fact that she can like you for you despite your tendency not to exactly shout out who you are from the rooftops says that it goes a lil deeper and perhaps you may be complete opposites in how you conduct your personality but the enjoyment you guys obviously get from each other’s company is something you have in common- a ying to your yang? I could prob go on and on but im not sure how useful my “words of so called wisdom” are lol- i could be just jibberishing. Goodluck shy guy :) im rootin for ya!
when i mentioned the opposites attract thing i meant working for her and you being attracted to her… then it must be def working for you lol :)
Hey Shy guy. Make contact, and have fun with it. Then report back here, we’re rooting for you.