Ask Niels: How do I build an emotional connection? February 19, 2007
Posted by Niels in : How to, Other , trackback
Hello Niels,
I seem to do fine getting phone numbers and getting first dates. However, it seems like after I meet a girl for coffee or a drink, they never want to see me again. Usually I come away thinking “That went pretty good, she’s cool, I want to see her again,” and then I call a couple days later, and get denied. This has happened five times in a row now! I wonder if if something about my personality is turning girls off. Any advice, or is my question too vague?
-Moe from California
If you’re getting dates, then you’re getting girls attracted to you. Good for you! Many guys never even get that far. But after attraction, she needs to see that there’s something more to you. She’s looking for some depth.
Some people in the dating community advise men to “be mysterious”. Those people will never experience the satisfaction of emotional intimacy.
The point of a date is to build a connection. That comes from discovering things you guys have in common. Most people are terrible at this:
Where are you from? India? Oh, I’m from Chicago. Do you have any siblings? Oh, you’re an only child. I’ve got a brother. What kind of music do you like? Punk? Hmm… I like classical.
But you have to keep trying right? Maybe eventually you’ll hit something…
You like sandwiches?! I like sandwiches! That’s amazing, we have so much in common!
Ouch. Like 99% of guys, you’re stuck in a worthless, logical conversation. Don’t fall into that trap. It’s great for small talk and vibing, as I mentioned in How to Keep a Conversation Going. But when you really want to connect with someone, you need to look for something more. Look for emotional commonalities.
If the person you’re getting to know says, “I like art,” the appropriate response is NOT to talk about art. The appropriate response is something like, “That’s awesome! I’m passionate about curling!” You’re not talking about art. You’re talking about love and passion. Maybe you don’t like art. Maybe you’ve never wanted to visit a cousin in Australia. But everyone is passionate about something, and everyone has once been far away from someone they cared about. All of a sudden, you guys have more in common than you realized.
It’s not easy to do this. It means you actually have to understand whomever you’re talking to. And you can’t fake it. But that’s where true intimacy starts.
Comments»
I’ve found it’s good to let people talk about their favorite subjects. They like it for a reason, and is probably something that helps identify their personality. You asking about it lets them know you’re interested in them as a person.
The art here, in my opinion, is being able to pick up on the occasional hooks to eventually divert the conversation in a different path. Then again, if your date endlessly talks about him/herself, then that was a bad date to begin with. Someone who isn’t self-absorbed will recognize good conversation etiquette and ask questions back and let the conversation flow both ways.
“If the person you’re getting to know says, “I like art,†the appropriate response is NOT to talk about art. The appropriate response is something like, “That’s awesome! I’m passionate about curling!†You’re not talking about art. You’re talking about love and passion.”
Very nice. wowoweee! lol
There are a lot of things going on here.
It’s a good way to show your appreciation for her passion of art, even if you’re not into art. She’ll be more appreciative of you recognizing her love of art.
A passion for something is more important the actual something. An example we all know is Nate’s Star Wars band. It was cool not because it’s Star Wars or it’s music, but because he had a passion for it. Having a passion for something is also more attractive b/c it shows you can achieve goals - a characteristic of an alpha male.
Having things in common on paper doesn’t necessarily equate to being compatible. I used to be SO LOST in HS; scratching my head wondering how some ppl who have NO BUSINESS being together were together. It was like “Oh my god. He’s gangsta rap, and she’s classical music.” Like you said, their connection was emotional.
Further expanding on that previous idea, having slightly skewed interests or even complete opposite interests can be highly beneficial during both the pickup process and in a more involved relationship. It allows the two (or more depending on what crazy setup is going on) to open each others’ eyes and explore new things - thus keeping each perception of one another interesting.
By no means have I covered all the bases introduced by this article. The depth of this write-up is insane. Good job!
Man, I have to get back to work, but I’m totally into this conversation. I’m a woman, and I know what gets me interested. (Of course, I don’t mean to imply that my tastes are “representative” of other women, so take what I say with a critical eye.)
On a date, what makes a guy stand out from the others is someone who is confident enough to take an emotional risk and reveal something about himself. I don’t mean something deep and dark that is reserved for your therapist. That would be creepy and too soon. It could be, as many of you have pointed out, a passion. Mainly, I’m thinking about something that reveals a vulnerability. I know it makes me feel that we have connected, that he trusts me and wants to open up to me, that this is something special. It also makes him look all the more sexier–that he is confident enough not to worry about being perceived as weak or a “girlie” and more concerned with being his real self around me.
M
PS: I thought of a more specific example of what I mean by showing a little vulnerability. Tell her about an embarrassing or humbling experience you once had. That shows that you can laugh at yourself. That way you don’t have to maintain this aura of “coolness” (since “coolness” is such a fake concept and women can see through it so you might as well come clean) and it demonstrates some self-reflection and insight. I always find that very attractive.
I’m sure there are a lot of women lurking here reading this. Gals, what do you think? What are the things that make you want to see a guy again?
M
People like to connect on feelings and emotions. What is good storytelling? Conveying a range of good emotions. That’s why we like fairy tales and movies.
If you think about it, we all want to see the human side in each one of us. If we were all perfect, we’d be boring.
I respect what Wayne Elise from Charisma Arts said once: it’s up to you to make the other person interesting. To me, it’s really up to me to find one makes the other person unique… and in that process, I have to open up and share what makes me unique as well.
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For over 30 years I experienced several life threatening chronic illnesses. Through the Grace of God I was lead to several people and organizations that aided me in understanding, positively dealing with and transforming these illnesses. For the past few years I have devoted my life to sharing what I have learned with others. The two most impactful organizations I was lead to are The Institute of HeartMath - http://www.emotionalmastery.com and Landmark Education - http://www.landmarkeducation.com.
The American Institute of Stress and The Centers for Disease Control have both reported that up to 90% of all illnesses are due to stress. I was lead to The Institute of HeartMath in 1997 and discovered that all of my illnesses were due to stress and emotions I had been experiencing in my life. Through learning and practicing HeartMath’s tools and technologies, I am able to prevent, manage and reverse the effects of stress and unmanaged emotions, in-the-moment, achieve better health, more energy, improved mental and emotional clarity, and improved performance and relationships. HeartMath’s tools and technologies are scientifically substantiated; they literally saved my life.
Landmark Education provided me with the knowledge and tools to identify and put in my past, barriers that were stopping me from living a powerful life and a life I love. Through this Education, I have reached an unshakeable Faith.
[...] Hoven presents Ask Niels: How do I build an emotional connection? posted at Niels [...]
hi Niel ,
i m 16 yrs old , i m an indian .i m in love with a girl who is topper of my class ( i m also good in studies),
she is more focused to her studies , we hardly share any words with each other. i want to make her my girlfriend .
please suggest me how shuld i make a strong bond with her n impress her?? i luv her badly plz suggest me somethng…
waiting 4 ur reply…thank u