How I became a dating coach (with thanks to Beauty and the Geek) February 7, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Beauty and the Geek, How to, Other, Personal , trackback
I made it all the way through high school without even holding a girl’s hand. I went on my first date when I was twenty years old. I was studying abroad in Australia at the time so I had everything going for me. I was exotic, I had an accent, I was there for a limited time only! And if it hadn’t been for all my friends beating me over the head with the fact that this poor girl really really liked me, I still wouldn’t have done anything about it. Thankfully, she took pity on me and gave me my first kiss.
And it’s a good thing she did, because I didn’t go on my second date until my senior year of college, at age twenty-two. Then I graduated and headed off to grad school for electrical engineering. “Maybe this will be the year that the program is flooded with attractive, friendly, out-going girls,” I thought to myself. It wasn’t. There were about 5 girls out of 100 incoming students my year, and the two who spoke English made it very clear that they came in long distance relationships. And so began two years of datelessness.
My first few years of grad school were quite depressing, in large part due to the absence of the social support structure I had grown accustomed to in college. Once I arrived at grad school and began working 80 hour weeks, my social circle shrunk to just the few electrical engineers in my class. I had no female friends, a fact that struck home when I heard about a dance at the California Academy of Sciences Museum. I thought it sounded like fun and wanted to go, but realized I didn’t even have a platonic female friend to take with me.
Somehow I survived two years of this. I saw old friends during semester breaks and every time I could tell that my social abilities had regressed a little more. Then one day a friend happened to ask me what the two most important factors were in my future happiness. “A good job and a good marriage,” I said. Then he asked me what percentage of my time I was putting into each. 99% and 1%? Truthfully, it was more like 100% and 0%.
I resolved then to rearrange my priorities. I had to learn to meet people and broaden my social circle. For my whole life, I had been successful in academics, sports, music, and so on, but the social aspect was the one part of my life I never had under control. That had to change.
I found some resources on the internet a long time ago, but didn’t pay much attention. Then I read The Game
Soon after, I went to a friend’s Halloween party and got a stranger’s phone number while I was there. We went on a few dates, and it didn’t end up going anywhere, but it was far more than had ever happened to me before, and just the motivation I needed to keep pushing myself.
In mid-November, I found a friend similarly interested in social improvement. One day, we went to a street fair with the goal of saying hi to EVERYONE we saw. That’s it. Just “hi”. It was a great idea. It’s a nice, low pressure way to get used to talking to strangers. That’s not to say it was easy, though. We were out all day and I was only able to make myself say hi to five people.
A few days later, we decided to step it up for real. We went to a bar in San Francisco and chatted up some of the people standing in a huge line outside. It turned out they were there for a birthday party, so we joined them and dodged the cover charge. Our conversation starter for the rest of the evening was asking people if they knew who the birthday girl was and then telling our story.
I started going out to bars at night with friends. It was a nerve-wracking experience - I never hung out in bars before. Approach anxiety was still bad, but I could sometimes push past it and have a good conversation. I made it a personal rule to accept every social invitation I was offered. Making time was difficult, but putting forth the effort made a huge difference in my life.
Two months after I started, I found myself in DC with New Year’s plans that had fallen through. I knew the right thing to do was to go out by myself, but I was too scared. Finally I told myself that I was just going to drive to the bar and see how I felt then. If my anxiety was too bad, I could always come back home. Once I got there, I told myself I’d just look inside. I could always leave if it was too stressful. Then I told myself I’d warm up by talking to people outside, talk to one person inside, and then go home. I went inside, talked to one person, then another, and another, and ended up having a blast. I didn’t pick anyone up, or even try to get a number, but that was the night I knew my life was changing for the better.
I came back to Berkeley that spring inspired to keep pushing forward on the social front. The company I began working for, Mason Communications, is based in San Francisco and has a big presence in the bay area. A friend pointed me towards them and I attended one of their introductory seminars.
I loved it. This was the organization I was looking for. It wasn’t about tricks, or manipulation, or even attracting women. They were about bringing out your own unique attractive qualities, becoming the best version of yourself.
Unfortunately, as a graduate student, I had more time than money, and paying for a workshop was simply not an option. I wish it had been. Taking a quality workshop is the fastest way out there to improve your social abilities. I think of workshops as an accelerant. I probably could have saved myself six months of hard work if I had taken a workshop. For other people, a workshop might save them two years. And some people simply cannot make these changes in themselves without outside assistance. For them, a workshop will save them a lifetime. But I got lucky. At the time, Mason Communications was looking for interns, who, in exchange for setting up equipment, ordering pizza, and taking out the trash, were allowed to listen in on workshops. But the job required availability all day on Fridays, and I was in school.
It didn’t matter. I’d already made up my mind that this had to be a priority in my life. So in February 2006, I dropped my math class and joined Mason as an unpaid intern.
I took copious notes. Pages and pages. Every suggestion I heard, I attempted to incorporate into my life, but there was still something missing.
In April I ran into some members of the Beauty and the Geek casting team. I told them about my efforts to improve my social skills and they set me up with an interview. Which I aced, apparently. And so it went that I spent June of 2006 locked inside a mansion in Los Angeles.
I learned so much on the show. I was surprised how many people entered with the attitude, “I’m good enough as I am, I don’t need to change at all.” I haven’t yet met anyone so perfect that they couldn’t improve themselves. I told the girls on the first day, “Anything you tell me to change, I’ll change it.”
The girls were great! They told me very enthusiastically what was wrong with me. Over and over. Endlessly. And the process of change continued.
More than anything else, though, the experience taught me how to deal with high-drama, high-maintenance, manipulative women. It took beauty off its pedestal and made it painfully obvious that people are just people, with their own shortcomings, insecurities, and flaws. And I learned that things like emotional stability, compassion, and self-confidence are far more important to me than looks when it comes to the people I choose to include in my life. With that realization, everything began to fall into place.
Immediately after the show wrapped, I headed to New York for an internship. During the week, I was committed to my job at Philips Research. But every weekend, I was out and about, socializing nonstop with friends and strangers. I had a limited amount of time in New York and I was determined to use it to the fullest.
I went out to bars less and struck up more conversations during the day. The smart, confident, successful person you want to be with for the rest of your life is probably not out at bars every night, but he/she has got to go grocery shopping sometime! I learned the difference between the skills I needed to make a good first impression and the skills I needed to maintain a healthy relationship.
The relationship skills didn’t come easily for me, but the effort I’ve put in has been repaid a thousandfold. Learning to get back in touch with my emotions has been the single biggest catalyst for change in my life.
I’ve always been a very logical person. I argued that decisions should be made rationally, leaving emotion out of it, or at least weighing the emotional effects and factoring them in logically. I spent most of my life emotionally walled off and my relationships suffered as a result. No one could hurt me, but no one could really connect with me either. When you lack the confidence to communicate your feelings, there’s only so close you can come to another person.
It was a slow process, but the other instructors helped me get comfortable with my own emotions. And suddenly, all my relationships began to improve. Not only my relationships with women, but with my friends and family as well. I found myself with the ability to not only meet strangers but connect with them. It didn’t happen overnight, but it certainly didn’t take years. My friends at Mason Communications supported me during the entire process until finally, while cooking spaghetti at home one night, I received a call asking me if I wanted to be a instructor.
Comments»
You’ve been taking some crap lately with people on the message board, myself among them. I still think there are some inconsistencies with what you’ve posted previously on the blog and what we do get to see on the show. On the whole, however, the determination to improve your situation by finding what’s right for you and doing it is admirable, and at the very least commands some respect. I find myself about to take on the same decisions as many soon to be college graduates, of where I want my life to head, and it’s always interesting to read about how other people took on this challenge in their own lives.
Wow!
Haha, I’m watching you on Dr. Keith right now!
Good luck with everything you’re doing!!
Awww, Very inspiring. It’s always nice to know someone has gone through a similar situation.
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I am so proud of this: “I found myself in DC with New Year’s plans that had fallen through. I knew the right thing to do was to go out by myself, but I was so scared.” That takes guts for anyone, to go out by oneself, so that is really really commendable.
I watched you on Ablow this morning. They showed the clip of Jennylee giving you advice on how to pick up girls and you not listening. How do you reconcile that with what you said above: “I told the girls straight up, ‘Anything you tell me to change, I’ll change it.’” ???
It also reiterated that you didn’t want to ask for numbers for fear of rejection. That tribe explanation was awesomely hilarious.
Like nadia the baller said, you’ve been taking a lot of crap for inconsistancies - which, unless you want to look like a hack, you should explain at some point. But it IS commendable that you took it upon yourself to make this change in your life so you could have a normal social life. It would be better if you could stop avoiding explanation along the way though.
I’m sure I’m not the only one who is curious about how this has turned out for you in terms of romantic relationships. Do you have a girlfriend? Do you date? Going out to bars and talking to strangers is far easier than following through and going on a one-on-one date where empty banter won’t be enough. Have you been able to take the next step into dating?
It is an impressive story and it’s always great to see people taking action in their lives instead of sitting around complaining about it.
But the question still remains, as Now I Know said, how have all of these AOA skills really helped you with relationships? Do you presently have a girlfriend or have you maintained a long-term relationship since all of these lessons have been learned?
Learning how to make conversation in a bar doesn’t get you that first, let alone second date and then the all-important relationship. I personally find that getting a first date is easy but the 2nd and 3rd dates are the challenge… it’s easy enough to make a great first impression, but do these AOA skills help you maintain these impressions and keep the girls around? Is this workshop really worth it? Please let us know!
The way he speaks reminds me of a sex addict or something, but his addiction is to female attention. Phone numbers are like a drug to him. He must get as many girls as possible to talk to him in a bar. One day he’ll realize that he has achieved nothing but the ability to talk to girls. It’s like the girl who realizes that showing her boobs gets her male attention. She ends up with a lot of guys who want to bang her, but no potential boyfriends.
wow. that’s. and for a personal question what kind of girls do you like? I’m just curious.
Oh good lord, here we go again with the bashing. I’m staying out of this one, nobody listens to me anyway.
Maybe Maynard James Keenan shouldn’t be such a meanie.
I enjoy reading your blog everyday, Niels.
I don’t have any critical thoughts.
I agree, the addict comment was totally uncalled for(ok, so I can’t stay out of it, so what).
ur cute
Oh no.. why do i have a feeling that you’re going to be eliminated this week. If that’s the case, I dont want to watch the beauty and the geek finale anymore!
I am on the record from before the season as predicting he will win.
And I am never wrong. ;)
So, no worries.
yes Niels, i bet every girl is dying to know what specific type of girls you are attracted to.
Awww. I’m soo not watching the finale anymore!!! Beauty and the Geek just isn’t the same without u.
i’ve been a social worker for 10 years and have worked with people in relationships for all of them. i think it’s always been a truism that healthy people attract other healthy people. if you’re able to increase your ability to access your emotions and find comfort with expression, then you’ll find others are more comfortable, open, and trusting of & with you. we often teach others how to treat us by how we treat ourselves and others, so it seems right that you’d find better relationships and more opportunities with people now that you’re more open with yourself and more expressive.
i hope that you continue on your road to self-awareness and self-expression and find better and more open relationships! you seem like a sweet guy!
Crap. I saw the episode. I so thought you guys had it. Watching Cecille win and saying that little line at the end was too painful for the eyes and ears..hahaha. I will just see who the winner is online after next Wed. I don’t want to watch the show anymore. Cecille should just do what Anna Nicole Smith did since she’s obsessed with money….Marry a rich old guy, let him sign papers when he’s dying and delusional, and get the millions of dollars at the end..hahaha
HEY! Why did you stop posting on bullshido, we love you there!
Yeah. I think that’s what wrong with Cici - she really LOOKS like Anna Nicole Smith.
nadia, now I know - to clarify, I think fear of rejection colors all aspects of most people’s interactions, from the reluctance to approach to the reluctance to ask for someone’s phone number. The phone number challenge made me uncomfortable for a different reason, because it feels wrong to me to try to wheedle a phone number out of someone you have no interest in seeing again.
Jenn - thanks for the support! I plan to continue on this road as long as I can, and I fully expect my relationships to become even more amazing.
bullshido - just ran out of time, and medical insurance. I’ll be back someday…
You were my favorite contestant Niels! I was hoping you would win. Good luck in all you do!
Geeks make the best husbands. They are some of the kindest, most genuine people.
I should know, as I’ve dated all sorts and I married a geek!
Congrats on all your success and Good Luck!
hi niels. i just have a quick question. howd you make this websitE? i would like to make one of my own.
First off, if you wanna attend a graduate program with lots of girls in it, think psychology!! We have a ratio of 1:100 (male:female!) Considering your new-found interest in social interaction and your smart, I’m sure you can handle the pressure and enjoy the process! Here’s your thesis (inspired by BATGirl and the like): a randomized control study for AOA with the outcome variable being success in maintaining a long-term relationship (obviously, we have to come up with a better operational definition and more interesting, ground-breaking variables, but it’s a good start :P)
In terms of the question about your inconsistencies, I think that’s perfectly understandable. Here’s my 2 cents. You’re still going through an adaptation phase, learning how to reconcile your different faculties (your heart and your mind in particular) and develop a more well-balanced sense of self. In addition, during this dialectical process, it is likely that someone would overdo something (like asking for too many phone numbers or asking out too many girls). I’m hopeful that your effort will pay off eventually (i.e., having a good relationship). In the meantime, go out and have fun (but stay grounded :P)
Dear Darlene,
http://wordpress.com/
Sincerely,
Finlay
Carol - That would be a really, really cool study. I’m taking a break from academia for a while, but if you found anyone interested in leading such a study, I’m sure I could find a number of instructors (myself included) who would love to help.
Yeah … it might also give you and your company a little more credibility (instead of merely telling others about the ever increasing tally of phone numbers you got … cuz that’s just hearsay :)
I’m rooting for you
Dear Carol, Ph.D. Candidate:
Are you sure this project will be IRB approved? I mean, honestly, the guy who doesn’t get AOA training stands to be socially impaired for the rest of his life!
Sincerely,
Finlay
Well, Finlay… in that case, we’ll just make it a wait-list control group … everybody wins (hopefully~) the control group will just get their exposure to this fantastic workshop six months later.
Have a good weekend!
Oops… forgot to sign it… bye Finlay!
Niels, appreciate the response. Also to Carol for providing the additional insight and bigger picture view.
Have fun in London, and when in Amsterdam, don’t forget to get your vitamins t, h and c on…they have some quality nutritiously infused baked goods.
Keep doing what you’re doing man.
Have a blast in Vegas with the rest of the cast. Have you signed up the rest of the guys from the group for one of your workshops? I would think you all would have kept in touch and wanted to continue improving.
Niels, it was great getting to know you and the rest of the cast on Beauty & the Geek. I particulary liked the way you tried to tell Cecille how shallow she was. You came off as very articulate. Sorry to see you and Jennylee elimitated. You earned my respect as the show progressed. Cecille did not. Looking forward to the finale. Good luck in your endeavors!
Niels
I’ve been thinking about going into Electrical Engineering for my major, how did you like it?
Ive been looking at schools like Berkley and UCLA and I have heard that going in as a EE is extremely competitive and difficult.
I would love to hear what you think.
i really like how you honestly described your way from afc to pug (found it in google). i think for most coaches it was like this :D
Forget the haters man I feel your pain you story resembles mine also. I know exactly what you went through going to the bars and all. My next challenge are bookstores and coffee shops .
But I must say its nice to know someone went along the same path I did in our journey taking the red pill.
I know what your doing even if the others dont so drive strong my friend
late bloomers may have bloomed later than the others, but what matters the most is that they still bloom.
your experience is very inspiring. i hope a lot of people learn from it.
why do people think maynard is so mean i mean he is just like other people like right now im listen to one of his songs and im enjoying him sing and i wish they kept playing