Ask Niels: How do I make new friends? February 3, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Ask Niels, Dating coach, How to , trackback
I graduated from college a year ago and moved to a new city for work. I had a lot of friends in college that I would go out with, but now I am very lonely. It’s hard for me to meet new people and I don’t like the bar scene. My coworkers are mostly older than me. Forget a boyfriend. I just want a friend.
-Kathy
Building a social circle from scratch is an incredibly important life skill, and one that very few people have. The good news is that it’s not hard. But, like any relationship, you have to maintain it. Your social circle is like a houseplant - if you want it to blossom, you’d better remember to water it a few times a week and throw on the occasional bit of fertilizer.
The secret to a reliable stream of social events is becoming the hub of your social circle. Don’t spend your Friday night calling your friends to find the party. Be the person everyone else calls to find out what’s going on. This requires some effort, but it’s worth it.
The key is to lead. Take the initiative. Begin organizing social events. No one ever has plans on a Tuesday night. So organize a Tuesday night dinner once a month at your house. Maybe it starts with just you and one other friend. But whenever you meet anyone interesting, invite them to dinner. If you get along with them, have them bring a friend the next month.
“Ok,” you ask, “but where do I meet these new people?” Silly. You’re surrounded by people. Find a way to interact with more people. You won’t get along with everyone you talk to, but if you talk to more people, you’ll meet more cool people. And they’ll have cool friends.
The best option is to strike up a conversation with everyone, everywhere. Talk to people when you’re waiting in line at the supermarket, waiting for a table, standing around at the airport, or riding the bus. That’s a pretty big step, though, and not everyone is ready for it. So instead, get involved! Take a class or join a team! Take a cooking class, or an art class, or a dancing class. Or join an adult sports team. There are adult kickball leagues that are wonderful, blatant excuses for socializing. Find any activity that you enjoy that gets you in contact with people with whom you wouldn’t normally interact. Never refuse a social invitation. And when you meet someone who seems interesting, get their contact info and invite them to Tuesday dinner.
I have a friend who did this and succeeded in a spectacular way. Every fourth Tuesday of the month is Super Tuesday, and he hosts a potluck dinner at his house. Every second Tuesday of the month is Supper Tuesday, and we all go out to a new restaurant together. From just three people a year ago, my friend now has a list of twenty or thirty people who look forward to each Tuesday dinner.
So don’t get discouraged. You can have the social life you’ve always dreamed of. But it won’t just come to you. You have to go out there and get it.
See you on Tuesday night.
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Comments»
Hi Niels, thanks for the great advice and interesting blogs! Your website is rather addictive, I find myself to check it daily!!
That is very good advice. I’m am also feeling rather lonely. What if your house is not the right place to have a dinner and if the friends that you think are closest don’t think of you as being “tight” and bring other people who you are not so familiar with? I mean, the more the merrier, but its not so easy to click with people you’ve never met before. It’s not so easy to make friends with all these high school cliques. >.>
Gosh.
I resemble that remark.
Lisa, what Niels said. Commit to your own party, invite everyone.
This is great stuff Niels. Well said.
awesome :] how are poeple able to send you these things? x/ [arg, I’m lame]
What, everyone has plans Tuesday night. It’s Veronica Mars night!
Sound advice! You’re a natural~
[…] Ask Niels: How do I make new friends? (543) is Niels Hoven’s response on how to improve your social life and making new friends in a new environment. […]
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30th Edition - Personal Growth Carnival…
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[…] Hoven presents Ask Niels: How do I make new friends? posted at Niels […]
Very good, this is what i needed… thank you!
[…] Hoven presents Ask Niels: How do I make new friends? posted at Niels […]
I would like to know much about this issue relating to estblishing new relationship with friends around the world.