Ask Niels: How do I find a relationship? January 29, 2007
Posted by Niels in : How to, Other , trackback
Throughout my teenage years I’ve always been a so-called “popular” girl at school. The amount of attention I got from guys made me feel invincible and I took it for granted.
But after living in China for close to two years now, I feel like I’ve lost my appeal and my confidence, especially in relationships. Since living here I hardly dated, not because there aren’t enough guys around but probably because Chinese girls are just a lot easier to get.
Niels, how do I start dating again and regain my old confidence not to the invincible stage but at least enough for me to feel like I am still attractive and appealing to guys?
-Karrie
Dating in high school and college is great for learning about relationships. You learn about trust, compromise, communication, and all those other essential relationship skills. What you don’t learn is anything about meeting people in the real world.
Meeting people in an academic environment is a totally different scene because you have huge social circles and repeated contact with people. Didn’t talk to that cute guy today? No big deal, he’ll be in class tomorrow, too!
In the real world, however, someone has to take the initiative. Your popularity made you lazy - you just had to wait and your relationships came to you. You’re used to being propped up by a social ladder that you no longer have. Now all you have is who you are right now.
Without the crutch of daily classes, a first impression becomes so, so important. In most cases, a first impression is all that you get. If you’re lucky enough to randomly meet someone who might possibly be interesting and you don’t exchange contact information, you’ll probably never see them again.
So present yourself well. Take care of yourself and put some effort into your appearance. Looking good (fashion and grooming) is more important than good looks (getting lucky with genetics). Go to a bar - not to meet potential suitors, but to practice making a lot of first impressions in a very short span of time. Get good at flirting.
Art of Attraction is a three-day workshop on how to make a powerful first impression, but it’s targeted at men. I coach both men and women on the same topics (banter, body language, psychological space, friendly touching, and fashion), though I’m not aware of a similar workshop for women.
Become the most attractive version of yourself. Have fun and other people will want to come along for the ride. Keep track of your progress and draw confidence from how far you’ve come. Don’t compare yourself to other people. Remember, this is about you. Now go out and get sexy!
Comments»
very encouraging! :) thanks!
Hey Niels, you said, “I coach women on the same topics…, though I’m not aware of a similar workshop for women.” I thiiiink you mean you coach men, yes? Some people might be confused.
ur cute
Isn’t it because a lot of Asian guys aren’t into Caucasian girls?
“Isn’t it because a lot of Asian guys aren’t into Caucasian girls?”
No.
Oh wow, Niels, your page is becoming more popular on google search. Congrats!
“Isn’t it because a lot of Asian guys aren’t into Caucasian girls?”
No, Asian guys…like any other guy are equal opportunists. You could be purple..but, if you’re fine…we’d be all up on you like a pit bull on a poodle. Naw’mean? ;)
But, it seems to me the problem here lies in the fact that the Caucasian guys who travel to the Far East, go with the pure intent to get some ‘o that “Asian ‘tang.” Just look around and the truth will make itself apparent. They’re all there for the easy, exotic lay. And, it’s not completely their fault. Asians tend to treat your ordinary blonde-haired, blue-eyed haole like rockstars. Were it the other way around, we Asians would be having a ball up in this mug, so, I can’t be mad at them for that.
Now, your job my dear, one that would benefit all and help tip the status quo to our (Asian guys and haole wahines) favor, is to go get yourself an Asian Wang, and it’ll be alllll gravy baby.
Don’t mistake their shyness for non-interest. They’re just as traumatized by the whole all-haole-guys-are-rockstars phenomena as you are. Just go up and talk to one that interests you and I guarantee love will blossom. ;-)
Don’t be scurred!
Think about it, there’re a billion+ of us. So, we’ve gotta be doing som’n right, eh?
Fight the power!
Niels - great idea with the advice column! It’s great for those of us who can’t afford a one-on-one coach! I have a question though - you said “Dating in high school and college is great for learning about relationships…” - but how can someone (like yourself) who has never had a relationship during that time recover? Isn’t it just doubly hard to learn both relationship basics AND coping with the real world at the same time? I’m going to graduate college soon and like you were, I am kind of behind in the relationship arena. Also, please offer me some hope - do you have a girlfriend now? someone who is beautiful inside and out? Thanks!
thanks for the encouragement Neils and Andy. i am chinese myself, but born and bred in a western country, the first thing i found out about myself when i arrived in china is that i did not belong here, even if i tried to speak like a local with their local twang etc. so getting that asian wang isnt an easy task, their localised behaviours are very hard to get used to, and the way locals think are totally different to what im used to, and im saying this because i have tried to date locals, but somehow they always say things along the lines of “you’re too much of a foreigner”.
and with regards to those caucasians that are in china, they’re all looking for their share of “local yellow tang”. so you see how i dont quite fit in there either?! and i do have a lot of caucasian female friends that can back me up with this one, as a lot of us (girls from the west) feel that we’re no longer attractive when we’re in china… so theres only 2 way out for us, either leave or start “mixin”
I understand what you mean about the difference between good looks and looking good. There is this woman I work with who isn’t all that great looking genetically. She’s a bit overweight due to bipolar medication and some of her teeth are missing because somebody beat her up(she can’t afford to have that fixed right now), but she always dresses nice, wears jewelery, fixes her hair, and wears makeup, and I know that’s difficult for her to do some days since she has bipolar disorder, major depression, and PTSD.
The diagnoses you gave your colleague got me thinking … can someone have both bipolar disorder and major depression … I believe it’s an either-or, just as long as she has a manic episode with depressive symptoms, you’ll get a bipolar (I/II) diagnosis only … The comorbidity of a mood disorder (depression in particular) and PTSD has been shown to be relatively prevalent , however.
Sorry for being such a nerd, Denise …
I’m a 28-y-o fit, good-looking guy in New York. Do you know how I can find a dating coach (male or female) willing to accompany me to clubs, parties etc. in New York? All the dating advice in the world means balls if you walk into a place alone, unless you look like Enrique Iglesias. I don’t have time to meet people willing to pair along, and that’s the essential first step to going out.
Alex - You can check out http://pickup101.com/coaching but honestly, there’s no reason to be afraid of going out along. I do it all the time.
http://www.nielshoven.com/2006/08/12/flying-solo/