Ask Niels: How do I keep a conversation going? January 24, 2007
Posted by Niels in : Beauty and the Geek, How to, Other , trackback
My main problem with the opposite sex is that I am too shy to actually go up and talk to them. I’ve actually been dumped because my girlfriend said it was too awkward dating me because I am too quiet. In reality though I am not a quiet guy I am only quiet around girls if my guy friends are not around. Do you have any tips on how to get over this fear of talking to women and what to say while talking to keep them interested and what to say when you first go up and try to spring a conversation with a girl you don’t know?
-Adrian
Hi Adrian! You’ve asked the two most common questions out there: “How do I keep a conversation going?” and “What do I say to start a conversation in the first place?” Let me address the first question today, and I’ll delve deeper into the second later this week.
Most people think of conversation like a line. One person says something, the next person follows it, then the next person follows that. One after another, each statement leads to the next.
Thinking that way cripples you. Think of conversation as a tree. When you say something, cast a bunch of branches out there. Example:
Her: Do you have any siblings?
Bad answer: Yes, I have a younger sister.
Good answer: Yes, I have a younger sister. We weren’t that close when we were young, but we’re really close now. She came out to visit me in San Francisco last year and we spent all day at the zoo just talking.
The good answer branches off from the question. I’m throwing out lots of hooks for my partner to latch onto and follow up. She can talk about her own siblings, of course. But now she can also talk about anyone she wasn’t close with before and grew closer to. Or she can talk about San Francisco. Or visiting a relative. Or the zoo. Or someone she likes to talk to.
I’m giving my partner lots and lots of options for directions to take the conversation. And the best part of it is that she’ll pick the most interesting one! This ensures that your conversation stays fresh and fun. Maybe she has a hilarious story about visiting the zoo when she was nine years old. Now I’ll get to hear it. Look how quickly and easily the conversation went from a boring discussion about siblings to a ridiculous story about her nearly sneaking into the monkey cage when she was nine.
Give your partner permission to keep the conversation interesting!
Comments»
Very useful. I have alot of friends (both shy and not so shy) who have been in the exact same situation. When they ask me for advice I don’t really know what to tell them except to give them a long list of topics to talk about so they don’t run out of things to say. But your answer is a much better approach to the problem. Now I can use your answer or tell them to read your blog. You put it in such a way that it is really easy to understand.
Amen! I have been wondering about that question myself. Your example and succinct explanation is right on the money! Some people have suggested “vibing” as a general way of continuing the conversation by talking about where you’re from and what you do — normal stuff–but your explanation gets to the root of the how-to. I’m going to consciously incorporate that into my conversations. In fact, I’ll printed out and read it every time I talk to somebody until it’s a natural part of my conversational skills. Thanks, man, you’ve been a great coach!
So quick question…
Guys…
How can you tell if they are interested in a girl or not?
If a guy initiates a conversation with a girl, pretty much regardless of the context, circumstances, or what he says, he’s probably interested.
This is very helpful! even for both genders anyway x] I love funny stories, defiantly amusing. I’ve done it before, cause a lot of things happen, but shyness may take over, and my voice stutters a lot.
titles? I dunno, but I can give a few [bad] ones:
~Keep yours
~Beloved Advices [by a smart lover]
~Intelligience Lover in Style [okay, this one's lame, don't pick]
~Ask the AWESOME Love Geek [aha, just add an extra word]
~Look Love From the Geek God Above
~Take Love Advice from the Geek that’s Precise [too long huh?]
i just like to ryhme, help these title are okay, or they help on giving you ideas for a new one! sayounara x]
………Anonymous
Doesn’t it depend on the context of the conversation?
Yeah, I was being a little glib. It’s tempting to write a big long post laying out my whole theory but it’d just take up alot of space and if I wanted a soapbox I should get a blog of my own. However, for shorthand, google the ladder theory. It’s a joke and it’s written to be funny, but it’s funny because there’s a kernel of truth to it.
Also, if it’s a business context (loosely defined), the guy’s not necessarily attracted, but if the guy deviates in any way from the “standard script” of small talk (assuming similar ages and lack of familiarity), I think there’s a strong possibility he’s interested. If you’re talking someone you know already, it gets more complicated.
What we should do is ask the master. Niels, does AoA have anything for the ladies? (Other than improved men, that is) Any indicators of interest that might be useful?
Going up and talking to a woman you are interested in is one of the biggest fears a man will ever face in his life. Men are biologically hard-wired to fear approaching women, much like bungi jumping. In your mind you know the rope is there, but your body doesn’t realize this.
So even if you have good conversational skills, you often have too much anxiety when you actually start talking to that woman you’re interested in, and your mind will go blank. It’s like speaking in front of an audience. You can have the speech well rehearsed, but thenstill sometimes go blank when put under pressure.
You will have fear. It won’t go away, so it is better to embrace the fear and do it anyway. To get good of course you need practice so go do it.
That’s very interesting Anonymous..But you see my situation here is with someone that I know that is friends with…
So you see the complications in this situation..
Niels maybe you could write a blog giving some advice to the ladies? =]
[...] Ask Niels: How do I keep a conversation going? (457) is Niels Hoven’s reply to the question of how to keep a conversation flowing in a easy and relaxed manner for yourself and your discussion partner. [...]
[...] Hoven presents Ask Niels: How do I keep a conversation going? posted at Niels [...]
The Personal Development Carnival - February 4, 2007…
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DONT HAVE PROBLEMS WITH DATING OR ANYTHING I JUST WANTED TO SAY YOUR WAY KEWL DIG THE SHOW YOU WERE ON OUT OF THE WHOLE BUNCH I WAS ONLY CHEERING ON TWO OF YOU SO CHEER CHEER FOR YOU STILL THINK YOU BOTH SHOULDA BEEN THE LAST TWO TO MAKE IT!! LOVE PEACE AND CHICKEN GREASE
[...] Hoven presents Ask Niels: How do I keep a conversation going? posted at Niels [...]
title? Conversation 101 by Professor Niels? :P
you have every practicle and good skills of writing in such a way that even a fool can understand your advice. I also had problems keeping conversations with woman but after reading you article,I have found the solution to my problem that I have never got any were.
thanks alot.please keep it up
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I too struggle in the department. This is a great suggestion.
Thanks a lot!
I’m defenitely going to use some of these ideas with my boyfriend. I like him and everything, but sadly, we have WAY too many awkward silences.
I also wanted to say that, YOU ARE SO ADORABLE, and that you are genuinely handsome. You were unquestionably my favorite on the show. It was so heartbreaking when you started to cry because you had to choose your friend to put into the elimination round. I actually started to cry when i was watching. I just wanted to give you a hug.
Hey Niels,
I really appreciate the words you was writing about keeping a conversation, when it comes to females. I’ve been having a hard time, when it comes to talking to women. I feel scared and also fear of rejection, of what a woman would say to me.
All my years, I’ve let fears and rejections, try to hold me back, when it comes to socializing not only women, but everybody. Now, it’s just time for me to not listen to my mind anymore, and start to really listen to my heart.
[...] opening up. Niels Hoven from PU101 has the following great example in his article describing conversation as a tree: Her: Do you have any siblings? Bad answer: Yes, I have a younger sister. Good answer: Yes, I have [...]
Buety and the geek WOOHOO, Niels you rock, theres this girl i like and i was terrible with keeping conversations going, and she was losing intreset till i read this, and i could talk to her forever, and now she had intrest again, and i asked her to homecoming and shes goin with me, Thanks dudeooo
i know what thats like
i kinda have the same problem
just think of things to say ahead
and try to keep in th leade of the conversation by asking questions
My problem is when me and my boyfriend talk after a while I dont know what more to say to him. I ask him whats on his mind and stuff but its usually nothing or if i ask him to pick a topic he says he has nothing. So i was wondering if any one could help me think of ways to talk to him more? Like give me more ideas of things to talk about. Then maybe he will have more to say
My problem is always the same. I am really shy when im with girls by my self. when im with Some Friends im not as shy because i know i have people to back me up. But i would really love to get off my shyness and start talking to girls Normaly with out sweating it and just have fun talking to one.. also ive been in U.S.A for about 4 years bearly and my english is not that great so i have some problems with my english whem im talking to a girl too.. if any one wants to talk to me i have myspace and msn
Myspace: http://www.myspace.com/cesar4you
MSN: Michaelowen_1_00@hotmail.com
Excuse me sir, do you have a pyapal account? cuz I wanna pay you for solving my life’s biggest problem when I talk to girls!! awesome!!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
Glad I could help, Muzz. ;)
This would be called the Fish&Hook method from the the ebook “Art Of Appoaching Women”
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