When liking yourself is a load of crap July 12, 2006
Posted by Niels in : Other , trackback“I like who I am and I don’t care what other people think.” This is a very American sentiment. It comes in all varieties. “I am who I am and eventually I’ll meet someone who appreciates me.” “If someone can’t accept me for who I am, they’re not worth knowing.” It’s a display of self-confidence that can overshadow all sorts of weirdness.
You see this on talk shows a lot. “Yeah, I dress up like a stuffed animal and sell my body to fund my collection of antique sex toys, but that’s who I am and if someone can’t appreciate me for me, that’s their problem.” And the audience applauds.
But the people who say this are covering up. Humans build up their happiness and sense of worth though our relationships. Like it or not, humans are social animals. For tens of thousands of years, we have depended on our relationships to succeed in life. Strong relationships necessitate caring about and understanding how other people think.
If how others see us is so intrinsic to our self-worth, who would claim that they don’t care about others’ opinions? I believe these claims are a false display of confidence by those unwilling or unable to accept their own shortcomings.
For many seeking control of their lives, this is the easy way out. “I am in control of my relationships. I’ve chosen not to care what other people think, and that’s why I don’t have any friends. It has nothing to do with my lackluster social skills.” True confidence is the ability to accept your shortcomings and take action to correct them. To say “I lack the ability to build the social life I desire and need outside help to improve my social skills” is far more difficult, but the person with the courage to seek out that help will find himself much better off six months in the future.
Invariably, it is the people in my life with low self esteem who demand that the world accept them for who they are or cling to the fantasy that they will one day discover an amazing partner who embraces their shortcomings. But from my perspective, it’s unreasonable to hope to find a partner with their life together who’s excited about accepting your unresolved issues into their own life.
Comments»
Niels,
Son, please get that stick out of your ass.
- Anon
Niels,
You are not nearly as good as you think yourself to be, but that is okay.
- Anon
I hope my message didn’t come across as though I’m full of myself. I still have a lot of shortcoming and insecurities that I am working to change. However, becoming comfortable enough with myself that I could admit that was a significant achievement in my life, and not an admission that everyone is willing to make.
Well the message kinda did come across as being full of yourself. It is ok for you to overcome your shortcomings, yes… but to badmouth others, that makes you sound like an ass. More time should probably be spent just patting yourself on the back, as opposed to bringing others down… that just is not cool.
-Anon
I actually agree with Niels. I mean if this was football, I’m playing for the NFC…NO FACT CHICKS!
Thank you for this post. I’ve been slowly realizing these things myself, and I’m glad to see someone else say it so I know I’m not full of crap.
I thought this was an awesome post Niels. I have said this before ”I don’t care what you think”, I will do better in future.
mm to Anon.. maybe you need to realize that the truth sometimes hurts.. k thanks
I’ve actually been thinking about whether or not change is not.. I’ve spoken to some people and they say “just be yourself and you’ll one day find people who appreciates you” I find this quite sentimental, and like you said.. lacks acknowledge of a flaw in yourself. I mean if one of two people here and there complains about you.. aka akon .. that’s fine I mean not every human being you come across will like you.. but if it’s a decent number of people complaining about the same problem.. then clearly a change should be thought about.. Thanks for this post.. it certainly cleared things up for me
[...] were arguments I’d brought up before in one of my earliest (and fairly controversial) posts, When Liking Yourself is a Load of Crap. Now, my thanks go out to David Braun for pointing me to a fantastic website, Succeed Socially, [...]
Hey Niels,
Hope Seattle is treating you well. It was nice seeing you in SF.
About the article, there is a distinction to make here. It’s really the difference between a “feature” and a “flaw.” Unjustified over-confidence can be a killer, but sometimes it’s that one thing that isn’t perfect that is special. I know a girl who is super clumsy, and I wouldn’t change that about her because I find it endearing for some strange reason. It’s part of the package.
Ultimately, it’s in the eye of the beholder. People should work to make their lives better, but not at the cost of alienating their loved ones or hating themselves for not being good enough. At the end of the day, nobody’s perfect.